To heal a dying heart

Pray before you are prayed on. Sara's POV:

"Never let your Salah be a mindless routine. Pray to reflect, to review and more importantly to remember."

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OK so tying your hair into a braid that starts at the nape of your neck isn't the most chic hairstyle out there.But it does wonders to your hair.Suggested by my grandmother,I decided to try it out three months ago,and yes it has been awesome for my hair.

I had just come back to my room after letting everyone into what I thought about roots.Dressed in the comfy pyjamas again,I hugged myself and signed.I started thinking about the talk I had with Fatima a few days ago.

Again I had decided to change my ways.But how long would it last?Will I be able to keep this up?Was I strong enough?Was my faith strong enough?Deep inside I knew I loved Allah a lot.But when the time for prayer came I just shrugged it off.I got lazy and didn't pray.Fatima was very right in calling me a lazy bum that day.

I have not committed what you would call physical sins.I was very innocent in that department.But when it came to my eyes and my ears.I had seen and heard many things I shouldn't have.I read various stories which were too mature for me.For example I tried 'Sydney Sheldon's' books and other similar writers like that.I saw weird mangas(japanese comics) and what not.

Trying my best to ignore the questions my brain fired at me,I got up from my bed.I decided I would put in effort towards this change,for Fatima,for Api,for my parents,for our brother,for Mustafa bhai(he was important too now,he was family) and most importantly for MYSELF.

That change would start with me offering the Isha prayer.I took a quick, Soapless bath and got into my prayer clothes.Since we were like five mama got us into the habit of keeping three separate,clean dresses aside only meant for prayer.

I sometimes couldn't figure out how I had gone bad living in such a house, where our parents guided us at each steps.But ofcourse guidance comes from Allah and remembering that made my eyes feel hot.Hot,from the tears that threatened to flow any second now.

I took up the prayer mat and headed towards the drawing room.Once inside I closed the sliding doors softly.Praying in the corner,I saw Fatima.She was prostrating at the time I noticed her.Despite myself I stood there,with my back against the door and began to observe her.

The slight smile on her lips spoke of the inner peace of her soul.I stood there for I don't know how long,no longer looking at her now, but not at anything else either.I was staring at a vaccum that existed inside my mind.It told me silently, exactly how dead and aimless everything was.

Doing things you shouldn't be with the gnawing fear that you might get caught but still doing it all the same.After the initial few times you just felt lost and empty;like a vacuum. Isolation,utter depression,no place to go to ,no where to turn to.

Suffocation,I felt suffocation!My insides mocked me,everything inside the drawing room had faces.Dont get me wrong we donot have idols in our house.It was the table,the lamp,the sofa,the cosy rocking chair.They all had faces and were mocking me.I felt lost,I am lost,I am all alone.I told myself for the millionth time.

"No you are not!"I felt a hand grip mine and then I felt as if someone was hugging me.Then everything went blank:as I felt the darkest darkness envelope me.

Was it my end?Was I too late to pay head to, 'Pray before you are prayed on.'??I tried to fight it but the darkness was too strong for me and gobbled me whole.

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