the Rain

the gravity

Have you ever felt ... Nothing?

Not the empty nothing, It's the too many emotions in one second that makes you feel... Nothing.

The overwhelming nothing.

For me, Feeling nothing is neither bad nor good, It's like floating. When I walk when I sit down when I lie in bed I'm always floating. I can't get the feeling of everything around me.

At first, you lose all the connection with the world around you for like few seconds to find yourself with no gravity in you, all of your emotions fly around with no order, Simply out of control.

In one moment I felt sad, shocked, scared, relieved, happy, angry, worried, and anxious all at once without "then" to organize them. they just exploded in me, and I ended up feeling nothing...

And with that, I stopped feeling...and for some reason, I just didn't care about it.

"Care"

how much love and affection that word holds between its letters.
Caring is loving...
caring is worrying...
caring is stepping over your needs to the best of someone...
caring is sleepless nights...
caring is working hard...
caring is tired smiles and lazy red eyes...
caring is sore feet...
caring is feeding and clothing.

And Caring is killing yourself for the sake of someone.

I did all of the above and more for my family. But mother chose the last one to show me she cared for me.

I was there when it happened. even in her lowest moments, she was scarily beautiful. I saw what she was doing, I knew what was going to happen and I didn't do anything to stop it.

I was sad to know what she was doing.

shocked at the scene in front of me.

scared for how her face calmly smiled till the last second.

relieved it didn't take too long.

happy that it's all going to end.

angry at the way it was all easy for her, even this.

worried at the way our lives would change the next morning.

All along, Even before that night. I knew something happened to me, something bad. I didn't care anymore, whatever I did was like a duty, something I had to do with no emotions at all, and slowly by time, I lost the feeling of anything and everything, I thought that I was no longer a human. Only someone told me otherwise and told me that, me realizing that something was wrong actually means that there's hope, and I'm still a human.

No one knows about what happened to me, and every time someone asks me I just say those magical words that make them stop digging any further and just smile in relief.

"I'm fine"

I love those words, I love how effective it is on keeping people away, cause I know if I'll tell anybody about this they will think I'm a freak and they would let my father send me away. so I kept it to myself. only I knew one day I'll have to tell someone about it because I know I need help. I know that there's something wrong with me and that it ain't right to stay like this, to stay emotionless. but to who I should run to?

Back then my sisters were so young and I didn't have time to be self-centered. my father needed me, he needed me to take care of the girls, he needed not to worry about us, he needed to recover, so I was there for him. I ignored my problems and kept them hidden in the back of my head so I can handle a big house and take care of 7 young girls, and I did manage that and I did a great job. but the nothing in me grew more and more and reached the edge of my sanity, but I fought it back, and when I was this close to recovering... That Nothing changed into something else.
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