love letters from ruby

29. ruby speaks of chelsea buns, brötchen and demise

hey

i wish i could have coffee with you in this sunshine while the air is so frosty. i would have a chelsea bun. actually i would have two! mine and yours... are chelsea buns all alike, i wonder? here they have them sort of rolled up in a flat round pastry hose with raisins in the pastry and a thin sugar frosting on the outside which i remove as much of as i can, it is too sweet. then i unroll it bit by bit and dunk it in my coffee. i really am very partial to them, even without a sweet tooth. the germans are good bakers, i think, but a chelsea bun sounds very chelsea, even if it was baked by a german gentleman. and chelsea reminds me of that joni mitchell song, chelsea morning, which i adore. her voice is so sweet when she was so young. (she had a love affair with one of the crosby, stills, nash & young guys, i cannot remember which one, though. did you know that?) another famous german bake, bread buns, are called 'brötchen'. they are wonderful. i do not know what makes them different to an ordinary bread bun, but it is in the texture and the crispiness. it has substance, not just air. cheese goes very well with it, especially emmentaler, you would love that. anyway, i wish i could have coffee with you. i'd even give up the chelsea bun. for coffee with you right this second.

i experienced my first wake. i think it will be my last. what is it that makes people want to see a loved one who has passed away, looking unlike they did when last they were seen alive? why would people not want to rather remember what the person looked like? it is hard to understand. and the way the tradition draws out the process for a whole week, at least. every single day leading up to the actual funeral, the pain of everyone is rubbed in their own faces. i do not understand this. i don't quite get funerals anyway. when i die, i want to be cremated and my ashes strewn some place of my choice. i want no service, no drawn out process making people sadder than they already are. if the people who love me want to get together, so be it. for a drink. or a chelsea bun. but no drama.

can you tell me what to do if you should die? do you know what to tell me now about that? do you have any advice for me at all? will it be what you think i ought to hear? will it be what you want to tell me from your own perspective, but knowing me the way you do? do you know what to tell me?

it is fine if you do not.

i also want to say this. even if we feel far apart from each other, even when you might think, who is this stranger that i love? even when things look unreal and impossible to me and even when nothing seems real at all...even then, even then. just know that our world turns faster and slower but we are on it and we know and recognize each other. you are my normal and my rock and where i want to be tethered. no matter which way the wind blows me. you are my north. you are what makes such amazing fucking sense in my life. and i fit with you. we belong together more than any other people i know. it's just madness, all this other junk. just know this, okay?

ruby forever and ever and ever and ever.