love letters from ruby

11. ruby gets ruffled

some thoughts, my love

i hope that you are well rested, fed, healthy, safe, warm enough, comfortable, clothed, bathed and long for me like crazy. yes.

do you know how even when we have been apart for such a long time, it feels from time to time as if we are even further apart some times than other times? it feels like that now. mostly, although we are apart, we are so close and it is like there is only clear glass between us, micro thin and i can feel our emotions travel to and fro in some thick ropy cable of energy like a monstrous umbilical cord, like super electricity that makes us aware of each other and binds us, and i am so brimming with your essence that i do not know where you end and where i start, i'm just so tangled in you. well, right now i feel very removed from you and not part of you at all. i know you feel like this too. i just know it. when we feel close, i know that you are very aware of that intimate bond we share. exactly as aware as myself.

sometimes it feels like your mind is somewhere else. which it probably is. i feel as if i'm the only one of us caring about how things are going with us. i try to keep in mind that you have so many more things than i do, that keep you occupied. i have only myself and our domestic responsibilities to care about. leaking pipes and the like! (i forgot to tell you that when i came home after having been at the coast, i noticed water that had dried on the kitchen floor. i thought at first it was the fridge that had perhaps defrosted when the electricity failed at some point. on further inspection, however, i saw the water had come out of the kitchen cupboards. kitchen cupboard stigmata! it is wet all along the seams of the cupboards on the inside. as you know, the bathroom is on the other side of that wall and there is that hollow with the pipes in them that one has to close when one wants to work on the plumbing. i don't know what is going on, but i am waiting for the plumber this week. i left the cupboard doors open and it is dry now with no more water leaking, but it has to be checked out.) i wish you were here for such things, i hate dealing with it. i have already had to deal with the stupid geyser that burst. i’m not made for this. when are you coming back?? please come back. i miss you and i’m miserable and i don’t want to be without you anymore. i hate being without you, i hate it! come and fix the broken things at home. if you stay away from home  much longer, you’re going to have to repair me too, because i’m getting broken without you, my heart is breaking with the heaviness of all the longing it has to carry. not on and not fair! i'm miserable without you, fuck, and i do not feel like organizing plumbers!

later.

i took a break from writing to you and read – you know how reading always calms me – and look what i found! do you remember this:

good morning, sweetest taboo! how are u?

if i'm a taboo, then what are you?

i'm the glue that they put in your shoe...

so then, it's true, it was you with the glue?  

oh yes it's me, it's me, i'm so filled with glee

if you're filled with glee, you've been at the coffee.

but don't u see, coffee loves u and coffee loves me?

i think i can see, and now i too feel happy.  

to play with u the whole of the day, please say i may

i would like for us to play all of the day

then turn out the light and make love through the night

oh yes, please, please, i was hoping you’d love me, relieve my plight    

i was obviously meant to read from frost, after all, i could have taken any other book. if i did, i would never have found the paper with the poem we wrote in turns (i always knew frost has magic tucked inside the covers). it just brought you right back and so close to me. i’m so very happy! i love you so much! i will wait for you for as long as it takes for you to get back home! i will see to broken plumbing and bust geysers and cracked ceilings and whatever else i have to see to. and my heart will be fine, don't worry. occasionally i just need to remember how much you love me. i’m such an insecure baby, i don’t know how you are not fed up with me!  

(one more thing. you are going to have to make good your promise in that poem ten times. no, a hundred! a thousand times, all the time. non stop! i am thirsting for you, right now my body feels like it's crossing the namib desert without water...i need your nourishment!)

i will call the plumbers again…      

oh god, i love you so much.  

ruby