love letters from ruby

12. ruby is troubled

my love

(i wish i could see you already. i want right now, more than anything else,  for us to make love. i crave it. but that's just the usual fare.)

i know i’m a babbler. sometimes i just have too much to say and don't know where to start. thanks for writing what u did in your last letter. i thought that u may be scared of frightening me away, but i didn’t think it would be because of how important i am to you. i’m so relieved that you mentioned everything you did. especially since i was worried you would not recognize what i was saying. but you never fail to surprise me and make my heart soar. i got the impression you want everything about us to be perfect. or that you want me to see us as perfect. like you want everything just right for my sake. because you love me like this. don’t you understand how perfect we already are to me? don’t you understand how perfect we are because we are imperfect, each of us, but we are perfect together, because we love each other equally? i’m no fool. i love your seriousness. (this is me, remember? i love serious. i love dark.) i love talking things through. i’m not sure that you do, because men are different that way, but i also know you are no ordinary male. you truly are different to other men. oh gosh, you are so wonderfully different! you are sweetly old fashioned in certain ways. (i know you worry that i will perhaps get facial piercings while you are not here. don't say you don't, because i know that you do.) and i am so smiling now! it endears you to me so much, because you are such a romantic in the true sense of romantic… and i am so fortunate to have you for  me. you are mine. i still have to get used to that.

a question. were you thinking that as these letters progressed we would get to know more and more about each other until we got everything covered? after all, we only met not too long ago, before you had to leave again. or were you going to sit me down and tell me specifically, what you thought i needed to know, if you know what i mean? and give me a chance to tell all from my side?

i suddenly realize something enormous. you have already thought i don’t have what it takes for us to survive this love! that’s true, is it not?! you have already thought my love for you won’t make it or is not strong enough or is not true… am i right? don’t be careful towards me, i know how brave you are. tell me truly what you think, please. you don’t have any trust in my feelings for you. and not because you do not love me. this is what i think?

oh my god, do you know what?

i do not blame you in the least, my love, i do not blame you at all. and do you know why? because of my insecurities. i realize that suddenly too. you understand their power over me better than i do. it will destroy what we have. i will destroy what we have. that is why you said you expect me to leave when i draw the courage to do so. because you can sense how much i am my own enemy. and yours.

and also the enemy of our love.

i am so frightened that you may be right. please do not ever let me do that. you have said that you have strength for both of us. i am counting on that. please be my saviour?

(may we talk about this some more, please?)

i love you more with the breaking of each new dawn. one of those cliches that is more true than the truth.

i want to make love to you even more than before i started writing this letter. i hope you feel like it too when you read this.

ruby