love letters from ruby

5. ruby arrives in her dream

i miss you very much.

something i've been meaning to tell u:

i have had the same dream for many years.

i am traveling.

by bus. by train. by 'plane. by car. often i am walking near the bus or train. on tarmac, on a platform, a pavement, in the middle of a road with other travelers. i do not have the feeling that we all have the same destination. i have to get on the bus or train but mostly i have disembarked and continue to travel. always with an old suitcase in hand. i have a wide brimmed hat on my head and i wear a camel coloured coat and it looks and feels like i know where i'm going.

we are always many people going in the same direction. never running, but moving at a steady pace and purposefully, very focused. there is a major sense of expectation. it is the best feeling. it envelops me and is pregnant with a super significance of something complete and whole and eternal and life changing. when i awake, i have a perfect sense of well being. the type that only comes with dreams. i do not know where i am going in my dream and i am no wiser once i wake up, but i have always felt that the journey is of utmost importance and that my dream is of such significance that even mythical beings in their realms are taking note of my travels, because they too, need to know where i am headed!

some mornings i get up in a state of bliss. i know and i can feel that i have had my travel dream even before i remember it. as i move about doing my little morning routines, the dream suddenly pops into my head and it feels as if i'm welcoming a friend, so inexplicably satisfying is the feeling it brings. being so sure, so sure of what, i do not know. i am on my way and i am dying to arrive.

i have always been troubled by the thought that the astonishing feeling these dreams give me is just a dream feeling that will be lost forever, because it is just that, a dream feeling. i have dreamed them so often that they seem to be a part of me. i have grown to love them and embrace them. i cherish the feeling they leave me with. i have often tried to analyze the mood, at least, because it feels nearly solid and it seems that i can pick that pleasure up and hold it to my heart. over the years i have made peace with the fact that i will never experience my seemingly perfect haven. but  i have often reflected on it. i imagined dozens of different destinations but none of them seemed to fit. i could feel they were not THE end of my journeys. i had no idea where that last stop could possibly be. was it perhaps death? i must be honest and say i even thought maybe it is heaven. maybe there is a heaven? is this heaven? maybe this is heaven! for i have never experienced a satisfaction so great, on earth. over time i tried to describe it to myself and the only thing i 'sensed', was that it was like arriving. where, i don't know. what would happen when i did arrive, i didn't know. what the purpose would be of being wherever it took me, i didn't know. but arrival is what it's significance seemed to be about.

then you came into my life.

it took me a while to recognize the feeling of completeness and contentment and link it to my dream. it did not happen at all quickly. in fact, the feelings you awoke in me were so familiar, it felt like i'd arrived home. they were like breathing. and eventually it dawned on me that this feeling seemed somehow so familiar! why? i didn't put two and two together for the longest weeks. the feelings u made in me just rang such clear bells. it all seemed so intimate. what did it remind me of? aahhh... of my dreams. what i felt was the satisfaction of the expectation that my travel dreams had. i realised the most important thing had happened. i had journeyed my whole life to get to you. the answer to my dream of being on my way to the most important place in the world. i had been traveling to the point in my life where you entered it. i had  reached my unknown destination. i had arrived.

and now i am home.

end of dream. beginning of life as i should have known it all of my life.

it makes sense to me and i like to think of it in this way.

it's not really that important that you know this. but i wanted to tell you anyway. to me it has been the most mystical happening in my life. really.

i love you.

ruby