love letters from ruby

22. ruby is mad

good morning buck

every other letter i have written you, now suddenly seems childish and over the top. i'll make no excuse for that. i meant each and every word in them, although it seems that it is much easier to write letters to you in the light of the sun or the shine of pretty rain. it feels as if there is nothing ugly or unattractive on earth since i've met you, buck. looking back over the time we have known each other, everything i have experienced or seen or heard or thought , truly seems like gladness and joy and perfection inside imperfection (the imperfection being everything around us, but not us). this is what you have brought into my life, u know? so let me get something out of the way, because what you wrote me in the letter i received yesterday, has been bothering me and i feel i need to get that off of my chest.

perhaps now is a good time to reassure you of my love, because i mean to give you a good piece of my mind too. above all, i am grateful to be able to wake up to the fact of how loving you makes me feel. because it sure makes me feel alive and happy and shiny bronze like a new coin and that rain that is falling here now that you know i love so much (one of those cliches that is just the truth - you have given my life a whole brand new meaning). let me also say this. again. because i have said it before, but it is just so true. i have sometimes had the feeling that my love for you has a life of its own, independent from yours for me or the two of us, like it feeds on itself or something. is it perhaps unconditional (the word you often say to me)? right now i think you probably know exactly what i mean when i say it like this. i was concerned because i thought that that is perhaps not healthy and what does it mean, actually? it had a selfish feel to it, this love i feel for you. now i find myself questioning yours for me. oh, i don't question that you love me, but i question the unselfishness of it or its importance to you, because it seems very important to you, the love you have for me. i hope you know what i mean, buck, and i hope you know what it is that i am addressing, because i do not have the energy to try and convince you that i believe in your love for me. that is not what i'm questioning here. and, in fact, i'm not questioning your feelings for me at all, i hope you will acknowledge this for me. what comes now is more my problem with the love we speak about so often.

why do i experience that how i feel about you, is not as important to you as how you feel about me? where the fuck do you get off thinking my love for you does not carry the weight yours does? what? because you are older than i am? because you are wiser and you have much more experience of life than i do? because you have suffered much more than i have? and i believe you have. i know you have. but you come from nowhere and start loving me with feelings that are so warm and strong and free of any doubt (and i love that so much), but you find my love for you 'less' somehow, than yours for me? where the hell do you get that cheek from, buck? who died and made you god? who? i am so livid right now, i wish i was with you to slap some sense into you! how dare you keep telling me you love me, over and over without giving my love for you the same chance? i cannot believe i am fighting with you over this in this life we are living, but fuck, here i am shouting at you and shaking with indignant feelings. and somehow it also links to the way i now realize you experience my writing about us. and don't you dare say you do not know what i mean. don't you fucking dare say that!

and do you know, the strangest thing is that i remember, when you have told me how much you love me and that your love for me will never, ever end, that i asked you, how can you be so sure buck, how do you know this so for sure? which implied in itself that i was not, (because how can anybody be so sure about love and forever) and in the same instance, when we discuss how perfect we are for each other, you are so certain that we will make it, that no matter when we may have met in life, we would have made it and been perfect for each other and we will be now, that you must merit my love for you too, i think, because you must think i want to be with you and love you, if you think we will make it, buck?

suddenly i'm not sure why it is i wanted to say all this. there was a reason. i trust you know what it is.

i will never not love you. no matter what you silently think. and brood. and don't talk back. you have such proactive silences when you want to, don't think i don't know what you're doing when you're so silent, because i do. you indulge me. stop indulging me with your grown up silences, please! why the hell are you such an adult?! mature. you are so mature, i sometimes feel like a child. which brings me to a whole new point...and now i'm smiling.

i'm so very pleased you are such an adult. i need that. i need you, buck.

i want to be with you more than anythinganythinganything...

something else. i'm not scared of you either. so. there.

ruby