Nine Minutes - LEGACY #9 (AWESOMELY COMPLETED)

Never Mine

21

Luke was already sleeping so I've decided to spend some time on our balcony. The air in Santorini was chiller than usual, hudyat na malapit nang mag yebe. I looked at the clear sky with each stars sparkling beautifully, as if they are perfection personified.

Huminga ako ng malalim habang nakatitig sa mga bituin. If I could just be like them, if I could just be a shining beauty then maybe I won't hurt anymore. Sa tingin ko kasi, pagkatapos ng lahat ng nangyari sa akin ay wala na talaga akong karapatang lumigaya. Sa bawat subok ko para sumaya, palagi na lang akong sinasampal ng katotohanan na hindi pwede.

Hindi pwede kasi maling tao ang minahal ko. Hindi pwede kasi may nauna. Hindi pwede kasi iba ang pinili. Palagi nalang ang paulit ulit na rason para masaktan.

And I guess I have always measured my worth by how people see me. If they perceive me as perfect, then I see myself as perfect. If I am beautiful for them, then I am beautiful. I always looked at myself using the eyes of others, never my own.

Kaya minsan, mas madali na lang na sumuko at wag lumaban para kahit papaano ay may matira pa sa pagkatao mo. Dahil kung paulit ulit ka pa ring nasasaktan para sa parehas na dahilan, tama lang na mapagod ka. Tama lang na tumigil dahil baka sa huli, maging ang sarili mo ay maiwala mo na.

People would call this cowardice but I just couldn't care. I've spent my life using the opinions of others to be the pattern of myself and I am tired now. Whatever they say, whatever shits they are going to throw, I won't care. Isasara ko na ang puso ko sa mundo dahil tapos na akong magbigay ng pagmamahal dito.

The heavy pang of pain became more prominent as I stare at the stars whilst remembering Trey's devastated face at the mall awhile ago. He looks so hurt and yet I can't even fathom why. Hindi ba't dapat maligaya siya, dahil nasa tabi na niya si Tarrah? Why would he get hurt? Why would I hurt for him too?

I held my chest as the throbbing pain grew. Terrence Fortalejo, hindi ko pa rin talaga kayang makita kang masaktan. But this love is wrong. Loving a person who can't love you back is a murder for your soul. I should stop. Someday, I will be able to stop.

A soft whimper from Luke's room interrupted my thoughts. Pumasok ako sa kwarto niya para makita siyang yakap yakap ang mga teddy bear niya habang subo ang hinlalaki. I fixed her comforter before turning off her nightlamp.

I'm sorry Luke. I thought Mama is strong already but she's not. Luke, nasasaktan pa rin si Mama kaya patawad. I hope someday you would understand, I kept you away from your father so that you won't go through the same pain I am going through right now. Pero kahit na ganito, kahit tayong dalawa lang anak, mahal na mahal pa rin kita.

I went out of the room when Luke's breathing steadied. Bumalik ako sa balkonahe para magpahangin ulit noong mapansin ko ang pagdilim ng langit. I squinted my eyes to see the first fall of snow in Greece. My palms opened to welcome the first snowfall that landed on it.

I breathe in the winter air when I've decided to take a walk. I took my red knit scarf and gray winter coat before wearing my boots. Nagpaalam lang ako kay Mama na abala sa panunuod ng teledrama bago ako lumabas. Habang nasa may pinto ay sinusuot ko na ang aking gloves bago ako naglakad sa pinakamalapit na parke dito.

People started going out when they noticed the snow falling. I bought one hot choco before sitting on a park bench in the far right corner. Sa harap ko ay may dalawang teenager na magkahawak kamay na naglalakad. They sat on the bench infront of me. A bittersweet smile erupted from my lips as the girl laid her head on the boy's shoulder.