Missed My Chance

Chapter 31

A/N: I actually cried while writing this chapter so beware!

I also recommend listening to 'MY LOVE' by Sia to increase the feels!

^Comment if you did that^

Katniss POV

I don't dare go home, he would probably approach me and come up with this sick lie telling me some bullshit. Once again I go to Sae. I need all the time I can get from her to make up for the lost years and plus she's painstakingly leavening the earth. She's going to die and she's going to be missed. The only parent figure that I have is barley living, so much for luck of the mockingjay.

I want to go home, 'but you are home.' My conscience mocks me. I want to go to my new home in district four, with Annie and cute little Fin that reminds me so oddly of his father that I feel like I'm going crazy. It doesn't make me like him any less. I love him even if he's not my own child but I do so much it's unbelievable. You know that saying people say that home is where the heart is?

Well then this is definatley not my home, the furthest from it actually. What did I expect? Peeta, perhaps running right back into my arms after I had left him becuase I heard that he was going to break up with me? Sae being very well and on her feet with her strangley good sense of humor and optimism? Haymitch not being the drunk asshole without the drunk that he's always been and welcoming me with open arms?

I have some great expectations which are certainly not correct. It's now that I realize why I wasn't stubborn on Annie for suggesting I visit here. It's now that I realize that, that promise I made to myself was not going to be fufilled. I was never going to stay away from him. Sae being sick or not. The only reason I came here, this, this driving force was always him. Peeta I want him back and thats the real reason I just didn't let my heart rule the matter.

Just when I think I've him back he's snatched from me. Just out of reach like me saving Rue and Prim in the bomb, Stop! I can't let my mind dwell on those thoughts anymore otherwise they'll drive me up a wall and into insanity. But thats just it, I am insane. Stupid if you like to think that I ever had a chance with him. Stupid to think I could truly free myself from the burden of the passed evil world.

He continues to haunt me day and night, Snow. His laugh that he made whilist coughing and heaving blood and when he was trampled on by the excessive crowd. Him, that evil made me think I could have a normal life after I won the first games and he ripped me of it by throwing me into a second one a and the icing on the cake was hijacking Peeta. That evil will forever drive me into insanity as a burden with no way to shake or brush it off.

Once I reach Sae's I storm through the house in a mess of tears yelling out a chocked 'hello' before I yank the blue built in telephone off the wall. Without me processing what I am doing I'm dialing the number. I didn't think it would come to this but sadly it has and I will never ever escape from it. Like a beetle in an air tight jar destined for death.

"Hello?" I choke though the reciver.

"Katniss! Are you alright?" She asks concerned.

"No, no I am not actually." I say lowly.

"Wanna tell me about it?" She asks kindly yet cautiously.

"Can I just come home?" I beg.

"Sure Fin will be happy to see you!" She cheers sadly.

"Bye Annie I'll be there as soon as I can."

"Ok Katniss be safe." She says before the line goes dead.

I'm leaving, the decision is made. I will leave the very thing that's killing me from the inside out, him. He won and still owns my heart and I really need to get out of here before he over takes my mind. As far as I can go. Disrict four is always the place for peace. Well for me it is at least. I can't be close anymore to the thing that I love most.

Sae, oh no I forgot about her. I can't leave not now when she needs my comfort and support. How did I even forget about her when I'm in her house. I can't just do that to her. She's suffering from her own body and I'm suffering from a broken heart. Right now she takes priority over me. Before I swallow myself in my own self pity I pick up my pride off the floor and enter Sae's room, tears in eyes and all. Before I even close the door she begins to worry about me.

"Katniss dear please go home to district four I can't bear to see you like this. Forget what I said about Peeta and my last wish I've changed it. You need to get away look at you you're a mess, I shouldn't have brought it up in the first place." She rambles on.

"But, but if I...I go you wi...will b....be gone. I.....I can't!" I sob uncontrollably.

"Katniss dear I didn't tell you yet but today the doctor injected me with this toxin that won't cure me but I will be able to live longer. They haven't predicted how long that will be exactly but I might regain some energy so I can walk you know before I......you know." She says happily and sadly at the same time.

"I can't leave you, need me!" I say.

"I've got a lot of support and I'm sorry I put a burden on you while you were visiting." She apoligzes.

"Please don't apologize Sae, don't. Are you sure you're okay with me leaving?"

"Yes dear I heard the phone conversation and I know how desperate you wanna go home but if you want can you please tell me what this is about? I know it has something to do with Peeta but you have to understand that he's never kissed her and it's not serious....." She tries to tell me but I stop her.

"It is serious Sae. I went to the bakery and I saw him, working of course. He asked me why I left and I swear is was going to come clean but as I started his girlfriend showed up. She was so nice to me and looked really beautiful. I could never compete with that. I ran out saying a quick goodbye and went home. To get my head off everything I had a shower and changed and......" I start but get cut short.

"Oh no, did you see them sleeping together dear?" She says remorseful.

"God no! Let me finish. I couldn't clear my head so I went for a walk to look at was has changed until I reached the circle where the water fountain is as a tribute to me I'm sure. I just sat there thinking clearing until I noticed the presence of a couple on the opposite side. I could only see them out of my peripheral vision but they seemed so cute, in love almost which got me thinking more. I though that if I ever had the chance to get back with him we would be happy I would be happy. I'd give everything up for him, I'll marry him, hell I even have children if that made him happy." I start crying.

"You don't have to go on if you don't want to?" She suggests.

"No I want to, so I was just daydreaming enjoying of the sight out of my peripheral vision until he got down on one knee. I was overjoyed that girl and hat she was asked and is going to be paired with the love of her life so I fully turned around to witness it. His back was facing away from me but I knew straight away, his voice. It was him and Marcy. They're getting married and I'll be alone forever. The rest common knowledge I opened my big mouth and of course I said 'what?' I just ran away. This is the place I ran to and I'm sorry but I do I really want to go to get away from here. It's heartbreaking!" I cry.

"Dear, dear, dear. Please don't be sorry I truly understand. I didn't know they were that serious. I'm sorry this happened to you Katniss I really am. Your right you should go and don't ever come back. You hear me?"

"What about you?" I question.

"Don't worry about me dear, I'll be fine." She reassures.

"Are you sure?"

"More than I have ever been in my entire life other than that you'll beat Snow." She says strongly.

"You still continue to believe in me and I'm so grateful for that!" I admit.

"That's cause you deserve it so stop talking to me and go now!" She demands.

"Okay, bye Sae I love you!" I hug her and walk out.

"I love you too!" She calls.