Missed My Chance

Chapter 23

Katniss' POV

In between the hours of crying and just sitting their blankly in the pouring rain I begin to think, really think. I think long and hard about the events that happened three years ago to the events that occurred recently. I can't show Haymitch I am weak, I just can't. I have a total of two meager options: Go back home to my new district or suck it up and stay in this one for the two weeks I'm scheduled to spend.

The thing is I just want to curl in a tight knit ball and cry myself to sleep or better yet, to death. I want to go to my new adopted family consisting of Annie and not so little anymore, Fin. Haymitch crossed the line saying that I will die with no one loving me but all I could think about is whether Fin and Annie loves me. I can't help but picture his small tanned face lighting up a room as soon as I walk into it. It was kinda the same look Peeta gave me when he loved me, the look I long for now.

That's not possible like as Haymitch said he found someone else and truly left, left my bounds. I haven't left his bounds though and I don't think I ever will. Maybe that's enough, I have enough love remaining for him for the both of us. If only he'd give me the chance I need. That thought still brings me back to his new and I assume girlfriend, fiancé, wife, misstress, lover? I never got a chance to ask Haymitch what their relationship status is but it doesn't matter because I'm certainly going back to district four, where I think I belong.

Part of me tells me to stay, to stop running from my problems and tackle them head on. I just don't think I have the strength to do that anymore, I'm weak. I ran from Peeta in the first games, I ran from him when he was hijacked, I ran from him when we returned to this district after the rebelion and I ran away from him when I left him three years ago. I just looks to me that my life has been a series worth of running away from my problems.

That means Peeta's my problem. How can that be when he's also a solution to them? I'm weak for running and that's something I vowed not to show Haymitch. I can't run and I must be strong not for anyone for a change but for me. The only times I've ever been strong was for my poor young sister that passed during the rebelion. I can stand up to an old former drunk if I can stand up to the two presidents that roamed in the dark ages.

I guess that's why people call me the girl on fire or their mockingjay. I'm not going to run I'm going to take off in flight and soar through the air like a bird that has caught fire. That promise that I made to myself still remains: I'm not going to see or even talk to Peeta to avoid my heartbreak which weakens myself.

So picking up myself from the bench determinedly I walk over to the counter and return the train tickets. I basically run toward the victors village where I see that Haymitch still has his lounge room lights on, the lounge room I was hiding in to prank him before everything came crashing down with all the stress of the new information I heard Peeta talking about with Haymitch. Right now he seems to be pacing back and forth holing his head in his hand muttering words I can't make out.

I don't get too fazed by it so I continue walking to my house. Sunlight has kicked in by now so I have nothing to worry about. I immediately get to work cleaning the kitchen and lounge room first, dinning room second, stairwell and hallway third and the whole entire upstairs last. Finding a couple old stiff rags and wetting them in water mixed with a green detergent so they loosen helps me with the dusting work that my house clearly needs. I open a few windows slightly to get some air circulation going and to get rid of the stale air.

By just opening the windows makes the house smell and look ten times better than it was before which is saying something. Eventually which turns out to be three hours I get the whole entire downstairs area finished so it's sparkling literally the kitchen bench tops have never been that clean before. I proceed to do upstairs which turns out it wasn't as bad as down stairs so that made a huge difference in my cleaning time.

When I've finished I swear I look like a yeti, dust covering every inch of my body making my hair look white in comparison to the dark raven hair I'm know for. My clothes look like I've been taking care of child's who have just had craft time and are using cotton balls. Overall I just look terrible so I grab a freshly washed towel out of my linen cupboard and my underwear out of my suitcase and head straight for the shower.

Once I finish I have a quick look around in my closet for any clothes I could wear but they seem to be what Annie calls 'outdated' I have no idea of what clothes have been packed into my suitcase because Annie packed it for me but I look and grab and pair of blue jeans paired with a light green top that has buttons down the middle of it. It seems like my colour don't you think?

Well I really have nothing to do now and I don't want to be stuck inside this house knowing that I've just spent nearly five hours cleaning it till it's spick and spam. In the midst of deciding where I want to visit I just leave my house and let my legs wander to their own destination, the town square. I want to go to the clothes shop since I need new clothes and I do exactly that. I wander around the store for what seems like a minute and in reality it's been thirty minutes until I find a perfect summer dress.

I buy the dress because I like the muted coral colour of it. After I finish paying for it I walk out and wander around the now wide selection of shops until something catches my eye and sends shivers down my spine, Mellark Bakery. I stop immediately in my track and abruptly turn around a walk to the other side of town in the direction of the victors village.

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I'm sorry this was a horrible chapter but more is yet to come I promise!