Missed My Chance

Chapter 24

Peeta's POV

I haven't seen Katniss in over three years now, three years sounds like a short time but when you put it into days it seems very long, one thousand and ninety five days, twenty six thousand two hundred and eighty hours, one million five hundred and seventy six thousand eight hundred minutes, ninety four million six hundred and eight thousand minutes apart. Does it seem like a long time away from each other now? I miss her soo much, too much and I can't help it.

She was my rock and still is the source of my love but she's gone and theirs nothing I can do about it. I don't know where she is and that scares me so much becuase she could possibly be dead. What if she is? Now I am scaring myself. It would be hard to live knowing if she's dead if I were to find out my life as I know it will be over and I would probably join her. That's how much I love her.

I was boken when she left. I just stood there on the train platform for hours waiting for her to come back to me. I was bathing in my own tears, eventually Haymitch found me at the train station and after a lot of convincing walked me home where he prepared me a meal. Oh I know what you are thinking, Haymitch cooking? He didn't just cook me a meal but he became my shoulder to cry on, even quit drinking which was his only sort of closure from the games, all for me and I'm so greatful for that.

I couldn't do anything for the first couple of months it was like me returning to the district twelve after the rebelion. It came to the point where Haymitch forced food down my hoarse throat and in order for me to shower was like the time Katniss had drenched him with a pitcher of water. Haymitch did just that for me but he mixed the water with some body wash or shampoo.

He would visit me everyday and just talk to me, no really expecting a response or anything from me. It was somewhat therapeutic in a sense because he would talk to me, tell me what the weather was or how the building production in district twelve was at the moment. I responded when I felt like it by either nodding me head or using small guest urges with my frail arms, never ever saying a word until I was comfortable enough and ready which was well after Katniss had left me.

Cheese, well bread and cheese equals Katniss' favourite savory treat, cheese buns. Haymitch still talked to me often and visited me everyday even when I was functioning aright by myself. Everything in my life kinda bounced back when Haymitch brought up the conversation of me baking again. I was kinda offended that he wanted me to bake and cook again knowing that I opened up to him about me not wanting to.

He told me that there still was a rather large plot of land that was was yet to be filled with some kind of merchant shop. He also told me that there was still no bakery in town and was not one to be opening up anytime soon unless I bought that block of land and built my own from the ground up. It took a lot of convincing and a lot of time for me to take it in and process it but as Haymitch said to me, 'it would honor your family!' That was enough for me to be determined to make my new dream happen.

So after about sick months of building and planning my new dream came into reality and I couldn't ask for anything more or anything better, other than Katniss herself of course. I painted a huge feature wall in my bakery that had my whole family in it, including myself. It feels like there still with me like old times, baking, laughing, joking and the worst of all getting beaten, in which I don't miss at all.

I have my own office in it which has another painted wall but of Katniss and I sitting in the meadow fields when we were still together. That truly was the best day of my life. No one at all has come or is even allowed to enter my office, it's my private place and I like it to stay that way, unless Katniss comes back. Its a small room, but it's full of secrets like the small velvet box that lies in the bottom drawer, hidden amongst the darkness.

It's time like these when I reflect on my past with Katniss and I am happy to say that when I do think of the good time it brings me to a place that is full of light and happiness. It could only be described as love but I shouldn't have this feeling for her anymore, it's bad and unhealthy. I long for someone who isn't even here or may even be dead.

It's hard not to think of her, thick braid that swings like a rope down her narrow back, that smile that could turn anyone's head towards her way, those eyes that twinkle in the darkness full of determination and willingness, that spark inside her that could could convince a whole nation to join her side, her fight for freedom and just her in general. Maybe all the men in Panem are in love with her like I am.

That makes my blood hit an boil because I only want her for myself. Where is she? Why can't I reach her? I feel so alone and so trapped without her. I continue on though day by day conquering the battles head on like Katniss did and I owe all that to Haymitch and Katniss herself. I'm afraid to say that loving her is making me worse, weak.

It's wrong, wrong to love her knowing full well that I can't have her. It's unhealthy especially when you have moved on and are attached to someone else who you know you don't love but just like and find attractive. I can't hurt my girlfriend especially since we've been going on for two and a half months now. I need to get over Katniss and fast to avoid further heartbreak for my girlfriend before she notices that I have no absolute love for her.

I need to force myself to love another woman even though I have loved Katniss since I was five. I'm sad to confess that every hour of longing for Katniss, makes my love for her stronger. As everybody says, absence makes the heart grow fonder.