Sadness Inside

Chapter 17

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

My throbbing head and the sound of Fred shouting for me woke me up. 

"MYRA!!! WHERE IS MY MYRA!!!???" 

I blink my eyes as I was trying to get my vision right. 

"WHY AM I IN THE HOSPITAL?!?!" A blur vision of Fred's body in a hospital robe holding his hands out to the nurse.

"OH THERE YOU ARE!!" he ran to me.

I groaned with pain as I moved.

"Myra, why are we here? We were just having such a good time in the cafe eating your favourite pancakes... why-why am I here.... why are we here at this terrible place...."

I rubbed my eyes in confusion. What was happening? Why was Fred asking me this kind of questions?

"Fred?" I blinked until it was clearer.

"Flower," he smiled.

"We had into an accident...I think...that's the last I remember..."

"Accident?!" and Fred started holding his head and groaning in pain. My heart was beating, I was panicking. The nurse assisted him and brought him to another room. A tear fell and I think I was having the worst nightmare ever.

After that traumatic scene, a lady doctor was beside me checking me up.

"Myra?" She said softly.

"Mhm?"

"Your condition is not as bad as your boyfriend's. Your head is functioning properly, it just needs a bit of healing on the outside."

"What about Fred?? What about his condition?!" I panicked.

"He...he uh..." she started stuttering.

"Doctor....please....tell me..."

"His brain has been badly damaged. There's a 60 percent chance he wouldn't get his memory back. I'm sorry, sweet heart. There's nothing much we can do..."

she looked guilty. Maybe that was how all doctors look like when they can't save their patients.

"You mean....you mean....Fred...lost his memory???"

"According to what happened just now, the last he remember was his last memory."

Eating pancakes? That was ages ago! Holy fuck. That means he doesn't remember anything about our confession? He doesn't remember his fake-proposal? He doesn't remember that he was mine? and I was his?

I started crying and it made my head hurt but I didn't care. I couldn't believe it. If I just kept my mouth shut, none, none of this would happen, and Fred would still be mine. He would at least remember.

"Can I go see him?" I tried to get up but my body hurt at my joints and she asked me to stay put.

"Both of you aren't ready. I'm sorry, Myra. By the way, your dad has been waiting. I'll go call him," and she left before I could say anything. In a minute, I saw Dad's figure walking towards my bed.

When he appeared, I saw his swollen eyes. He gave a relief sigh and ran and hug me. It gave an uncomfortable feeling to my body but it felt really nice to have him hug me. He broke down and so did I. He didn't have to say anything. I knew exactly how he felt- panicked, relieved I was alive, paranoid- all the feelings a father should feel.

"Oh darling..." he whispered as though it was for himself.

"Don't leave me, Dad. I'm sorry. This is all my fault. I should've just kept quiet, should've just kept my mouth shut. I'm so stupid, Dad. Fred lost his memory. He doesn't even remember the time we confessed."

He shushed me gently and took my hand. He kissed my forehead and gave a sad smile, "I know, darling. I'm sorry for that. I won't go anywhere I'll stay right here."

"I'm- I'm really sad," and that was probably the first time I opened up myself to Dad that I wasn't joyful, or happy, or witty. I was just sad, miserable and hopeless inside. There's nothing left in me. Nothing left to be happy for.

My happiness was gone.

"If there's one thing you have, it's happiness. You just have to find it," he tried to give an assuring smile.

I tried to give back a smile but I wasn't sure how that turn out. All I could feel was emptiness. My heart was filled, but it all just sank back in the core once the world took Fred away. I know he wasn't entirely gone but he doesn't remember anything and there was a high chance he wouldn't get it back. What if he didn't love me anymore?

"I have loved you for years, Myra. Years."

I don't know, Fred... I don't know what to do.

I lay my body down and closed my eyes. Dad gave me a soft kiss on the forehead and I drifted off to someplace unreal.

****

That night I dreamnt that Fred got back his memory and we were going to John's wedding. He reminded me about the time we kissed under the moonlight at Disneyland. And then everything went fuzzy and there was a sudden earth quake. After that I was in a white room with Fred looking confused and asking me who was I. He didn't recognise me at all. He started raging and going crazy. His eyes in that dream scared me to death and I woke up abruptly.

I woke up sweating like a maniac. Dad struggled to calm me down and I looked at him with tears in my eyes. He hugged me and hushed me.

"It's just a dream..."

"Is Fred losing his memory a dream?" I had a moment of hope right there but I knew it was not a dream when my Dad went silent and sighed.

I started crying, my head hurt but I didn't care. I was sad again. I couldn't do it anymore.

"Can I go see Fred? Please, Dad?" I looked him in the eyes and the misery in mine made him sigh and helped me up to Fred's room quietly. I was walking slowly because my head was still hurting. Dad opened the door to Fred's and he was laying there helplessly on the bed with his eyes closed. Tears flowed down my cheeks like a bullet train. I sat beside him and held his hands. I squeezed it and my head down on it.

He moved slightly and I looked up to see him look at me as if something was wrong and he couldn't tell me what. I knew what was wrong and I couldn't tell him.

"Flower, how nice to see you here," and he still had a witty spirit in him.

"Fred..." I spoke his name more to myself than to him.

"You look beautiful," he said, while brushing my hair.

And at that moment, he gave me that familiar look.

Maybe it isn't that bad.

I just had to re-confess and it didn't matter if he remembered. As long as he knew I loved him, maybe it'll help him get his memory back. I needed that 40 percent.

I smiled at him, "Hey Fred? Guess what?"

"Hmm?" he said with his eyes closed and I saw the ring.

And that was a perfect moment for me. I kissed him on the lips and whispered an I love you and it made Fred's eyes shot open.

"You do?" he asked, a little confused.

"Yes. You are my happiness, Fred. You always were."

He smiled, "I don't remember. But I'm thankful I remember that I still love you very much too," and he kissed me gently back.

xxx

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