Beautiful Silent Boy [L.S]

Journal Four: Wake Me Up

Journal:

I feel as though my life is trying to pull itself apart. I feel as though my darkest secrets are seeping out of my pores, hell bent on exposing me. I keep a lot of things to myself to keep not only the people I love safe, but to keep myself safe. I'm not ready to face some of the ghosts that haunt me. Not yet.

I can't go a day without flames plauging my mind, bringing me back to the day my parents died. Why did this have to happen to me? What did I do that was so wrong that my parents had to die? Is it truly so much of a sin to be gay, that my parents had to suffer for it? Isn't it bad enough that I live in such a close minded society? One where even my own family will shun me for my decisions? I understand that I can't change, and that I can't change the circumstances of my situation, but for the love of anything that does exist, why did this have to happen?

Why couldn't I have just died instead? They had so much love to give, so much time to be alive and breath the air of freedom. I didn't need to live. I didn't need to continue to walk the Earth with these shackles around my ankles. Fuck, do you know how hard it is to ignore the urges? My skin burns, my wrists keep twitching, and I can't stop bad things from entering my mind. Sometimes my dreams feel so real, that I can't tell if I'm actually asleep or awake. I start screaming so loud and I scratch and claw at my skin because I just want the filth to stop crawling all over me. Harry holds me at night, and tries to reassure me, telling me that everything will be okay. But right now, all I need is to wake up. I need to open my eyes and see two feet in front of me, because if I don't, I'm going to fall, and I have no idea if I'll be able to get up this time..

Louis.xx

"Tell me how I'm supposed to feel, stuck between two sets of stone. Tell me how you would react, if you woke up only to realize that you're alone"