Have you ever had to make a choice in your life that you knew would alter the entire world you lived in? Ever had someone look to you with an expression so sad and confused every single day and you simply can't ease it? Ever had the fate of a life in the palm of your hands and you aren't sure whether or not to let it flourish or simply crush it?
If you haven't, then never wish it upon yourself. If you have...then take this decision from me. Because I can't cope with it.
Almost a week has gone by and I still haven't made any kind of progress with my choice. I keep choosing one, going to open my mouth and clamming back up. Back and forth between the three options, finding reasons not to do them at the last minute. I don't know what to do any more than I did when I first heard those dreaded words. And yet, I'm still expected to make up my mind. And quick.
I've had to keep my distance. That's fucking killed me and all. To see him around the house and not be able to go to him for a snuggle or a kiss or even a simple nose nuzzle is beyond painful. To sleep in my own bed after so long of sharing a bed with him is tear inducing. I'm alone in those cold duvets. Alone with my thoughts and my unborn child. Our unborn child...
“Alex?”
I pull the covers over my head, try to ignore the voice that beckons me. I know I have to get out of bed today, but I simply don't want to. If I stay here, I don't have to see Mark. Or rather, I don't have to avoid his eyes. And his questions. And his love...
“Come on, girl. Time to get ready.”
Fuck this stupid 'buddy system'. I don't care if I'm officially a free woman now. In fact, if you handed me a bucket full of diamonds and pearls as a reward for going to that stupid ceremony, I still wouldn't go. I don't want anything to remind me of the life that I've now fallen head-first into. I simply want to drown myself in darkness and bitter tears and hope to God that something makes the choice for me.
No such luck. The curtains are pulled open, the duvets are ripped off of me, and I'm dragged into the bathroom to get ready. My whines of protest fall on deaf ears as my dress is pushed into my arms and I'm demanded to put it on. Glen's so heartless recently. He doesn't understand anything...
“I don't know how,” I whimper, feeling the tears sting my eyes.
“I'll zip you up, okay? We just need to start thinking of leaving. Mark's starting to twitch.”
My heart falls at his name. I want nothing more than to see him. But I can't. I can't face him. Until I've made my decision, I can't look on upon his perfect face. That hurts more than anything...
“I can't get him to put the suit on, Glen...”
Danny's voice drifts into the room before he enters. His eyes land on me and a sad look crosses his face. Great. More guilt to add to the list...
“Try harder.”
“I can't. He's threatening to rip them into shreds if I try any more.”
“Fuck's sake...”
“And he's got the hat on.”
The hat. His old source of security before I barged into his life. He hasn't worn it for months. And now that this has happened, he's slipped into his old habits. And as that realisation hits home, I let the dress that hangs limply in my hands fall flat to the ground. I don't deserve to wear it. I don't deserve anything...
“Don't you start,” I hear Glen scold, but it goes straight over my head. “Come on. Put your dress on.”
“No.”
