Okay. So, I know I'm supposed to be opening up to him and everything. But...yeah. That hasn't quite gone to plan.
Look, it's not that simple. When you've been as held back as me, as intentionally withdrawn from the world, it's not easy to just let it all out. In fact, it's really fucking difficult. Giving up the parts of me that I've kept safe for so long, away from the claws of the monsters out here in the real world, is not a feat that should be rushed. I need to be eased into it. Slowly. Very, very slowly...
I think it's an accomplishment to even consider letting another person into that part of my life. I mean, when you think about everything that I've overcome in the past nine months, I think it's bloody marvellous. I would go so far as to say that I'm quite proud of the fact that I'm trying. It may not be happening yet, but I'm certainly trying. And that's something, right?
No. This is a delicate procedure. No one in their right mind could seriously think that I would be able to change overnight. And those that do need to have their head looked at. I'm in a relationship. This is an event no one ever thought I could do. Took me twenty nine years to get there, but I did it. So, you know. This whole talking to him thing will come too. With time.
“Hey, Alex?”
I turn my head away from the television to look at him. He's stood in the doorway, biting his nails whilst giving me this look. The look that's been on his face every time he's looked at me since his darling sister wrecked everything good that we had going for us. I mean, the fact that I'm sat here in my own room, watching a film all by myself...that's a sign, isn't it? Add that with the fact that I sleep on my own now, and you've got something that I'm pretty sure Sam will be happy to admit is her doing.
“Yeah?”
“I...” he starts, but fumbles around the words. His gaze drops to the floor as his face flushes. “I was just wondering...I mean, I was hoping...I just...”
It's not often that Mark stumbles with what he's going to say. He's always been the guy that has an answer for everything. Be it witty, rude or just plain stupid, he always has something to say. But when it comes to talking to me, sometimes he loses the words. I find it kinda cute. And familiar, actually. I so very often lose the ability to talk when he's smiling at me. Forcing the butterflies out of their cocoon...
“D'you want to eat something?”
I blink in confusion. Is that it? That's really what he was so fussed about? That was hardly worth all the stress...
“Yeah, sure. Some toast would be nice. With the jam that you put on. You know how much I like...”
“No. I meant with me.”
“Well, you can have a slice too. I don't mind sharing my food with you...”
“No. I meant...” He sighs, rubbing his face with his hands. “Oh God, why can't I do this?”
“Do what? Make toast? You always make...”
“Do you want to go out somewhere with me and have some food?” He looks up at me, face practically purple with embarrassment. “Somewhere nice and fancy. In front of other people. On our own. Like...like a date, I guess.”
Oh. Oh right, okay. This is what being asked on a date is like then, I suppose. I don't really know what I was expecting. Fanfares and chocolate, maybe? No, that would just be stupid. It's not like I'm the Queen or anything. Fanfares would imply that I'm far more important than what I actually am. And chocolate...well, I suppose the chocolate would have been nice.
But this is what I got. I got Mark. And I don't want anything else but him. And maybe chocolate...
“I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked."
