Ever felt your heart beating at a pace that should be impossible to man? Felt your eyes bulge to the point where they're more than likely going to pop out of their sockets? Gone so cold and so numb at the same time of sweating buckets and feeling every single ounce of fear that courses through your veins? No? You don't want to. Because that is what I feel right now.
The silence around us is painful, making those words echo around us dig into us over and over again. Burying under our skin, staining our souls, never letting us forget this moment. This moment where I, Alex Hart, declared to the world that I...that I...
“No!” I shout, trying to ignore the look of shock on his face. “No! I didn't mean that! I didn't mean that! I meant that I love you! No! I love you! Fuck, I love you! I...I...”
I can't stop saying it. The words keep falling out of my mouth, unwanted and damaging. And every time they do, I see his face growing softer and softer. The tears start building in his eyes, causing his chest to heave. I have to physically restrain myself from saying them any more by slapping my hand over my mouth. But I can still feel them there against my palm. And he can see me talking.
I'm getting dizzy. This is all too much. Everything that I've come to understand about myself has just fallen out of existence. I feel sick, and upset, and angry, and so many more emotions that I can possibly handle all at once. I have to get away. I need to get out of here.
I barge past him, ignoring all the shouts and protests and head straight for the room. I know he can follow me, but that doesn't matter. If I can get into the bathroom, he won't be able to get me. I'll be alone. And I can work out what the fuck is happening to me.
“Alex!” I hear him scream after me, but it doesn't matter. I can't bear to face him. Not now.
I force open the door, slamming it shut behind me. As my fingers grapple with the bathroom door, I hear his footsteps getting closer. I barely make it in time, locking the door behind me as his hands slam against the door.
“Alex, open the door!”
Hyperventilating. I'm hyperventilating as I collapse against the wall. I need to calm down. There's no way I can work things out if I'm breathing like an idiot. In, two, three. Out, two, three. Clutching my head in my hands, I force my breathing to slow down. In, two, three. Out, two...
“Why did you say that?! Why did you say you love me?!”
The persistent blows on the doors start becoming quieter and quieter as I manage to retreat into my mind. Why did I say those words? Why did I tell him that I loved him? I don't have it in me to love him. It's been ripped out of me, trampled on in a time that I don't even remember. Leaving me a simple husk, cold and alone...
But I'm not alone, am I? I have Mark.
Maybe, just maybe, when I blurted out that I loved him...Maybe that wasn't a lie. Maybe it wasn't something that I just shouted out in my temper. The fact that I was unable to say anything other than those words must mean something. I'm being fixed, aren't I? So maybe a part of the healing process is discovering the emotions that I thought I'd never be able to feel. Maybe...
Maybe I love him.
I push myself off the floor and find myself opening the door. Tears stain his cheeks, lips swollen with the amount he's been crying. His whole body shakes with what has the possibly to be anger, fear, upset, or all of the above. And he's staring at me, waiting for me to say something. Anything. Anything at all.
But even though I recognise him, it's like I'm seeing a whole new person. Everything I've come to adore about him is amplified to the maximum. All the things that made no sense are now crystal clear in my head. The nerves, the happiness, the butterflies in my stomach. They weren't just a random coincidence. No...they were the feeling of love. The love that I feel for Mark.
