The drive home is different to what it normally is.
Don't get me wrong. We chat. We laugh. We do our normal things. But there's little moments of silence that feel weird. When he thinks I'm not looking, I see his face flicker ever so slightly. A little moment of almost...sadness...
But I am looking. And I do see these things. And I will find out what's wrong.
We step into the house to find it empty. Thank fuck for that. I don't really have the courage to talk to him in front of the others. I mean, I'm not even sure I have the courage to talk to him by myself...
I don't really enjoy confronting feelings. Not my own and not anyone else's. It means having to dig deep into really quite uncomfortable situations and memories that, quite frankly, should stay hidden away. That's why they're called 'secrets', right? Some things should just stay that way. But this, I suppose, is not one of those things. Because it directly involves me. And I don't like being involved in things I don't know about.
As I follow him through to the bedroom, I take a quick glance around. Still as empty as the day I first set foot in here. Even though I practically am part owner of this room now, there's still nothing that makes it homely. It's still just four walls, a bad and a television. And Ginger. She's about the only thing in here that reminds me of humanity. But even she is optional, coming out half of the time to wander around in my arms throughout the day...
“What's wrong then?”
He turns to me, wide eyed from the bluntness of the question. Caught him totally unaware with an actual question that doesn't consist of 'where's Ginger?' or 'can we have Lasagne?' To be honest, it's taken me by surprise too. But fuck it, I've said it now. Let's follow through, eh?
“I don't know...” he starts, and I know he's bullshitting.
“Don't lie,” I say simply. “I know your happy face. This isn't it. Something happened that involves me, and I want you to tell me.”
“It doesn't matter.” I can hear the lie. My God, this is going to be like drawing blood out of a stone...
“You matter to me,” I tell him, watching his gaze drop and his nails crack between his teeth.
“Hmm.”
“Don't 'hmm' me, arsehole. You got all weird after that stupid conversation we had with Dr Hallet.”
“It wasn't stupid.”
I only just hear him. What...how could he say...
“Of course it was. I mean, we aren't in a relationship. That's just stupid...”
“Why is it?” His voice is louder now as he looks up at me. “Why is the idea of being in a relationship so stupid?”
“It just is.”
“That isn't an answer.”
“I don't have to answer you...”
“You wanted to talk about this. So we're going to talk.”
He sits himself down on the bed, crossing his arms as he stares at me. Not saying a word. God damn it. Why did I put myself into this situation? Now I've got to go and explain myself, when I'm not even sure of my own mind myself...
“What is it that makes two people go from being 'friends' to being 'in a relationship'?” I ask him. “Where's the line that you step over?”
“When two people like each other a lot...”
“Ah, but see. Remember in X-Men? Wolverine and Jean really like each other, but they never end up together?”
“That's different...”
