Deceptions & Secrets

Chapter 20: Little Love Child

Chapter 20: Little Love Child

Date: Dauntless Initiation – Phase 1 / Baby Natty is 5 months old

* Four POV *

Nanny Monica greets me with a smile. The baby, she tells me, is asleep, so we sit down in the living room for a few minutes while Monica fills me in on how the baby did tonight. It sounds like everything was fine; I try to file away the reports on how much the baby ate and what time she fell asleep in my mind so that I can pass the information along to Tris later.

I'm a little nervous about watching Natty. I have never even held a baby before, and now I will be responsible for one, if only for a few hours. And not just any baby-- Tris's baby. I don't want to mess up.

"Hey, Monica, I've noticed that the baby throws up... often," I say, remembering all the times I have seen Tris with a towel over her shoulder. She never reacts much to it, but I would be worried if I had a kid and she was puking all the time. "Is that normal? Is there anything I need to do if it happens? Medicine or something?"

Monica seems amused at my concern, and my cheeks warm. "People usually call that spitting up, and it's normal, Four. Don't worry. You don't need to do anything special, Natty is fine. It happens because of air being swallowed along with her milk, or can happen if she overeats. So just don't push her to eat more than she wants," Monica explains. Muscles I didn't know I was tensing now relax at hearing that Tris's baby isn't sick. I didn't even realize I had been worried about that.

"I have to say, I was surprised to see you here for Natty tonight, Four," Monica says good naturedly with a gentle smile. "You didn't seem excited to have Tris and the baby living with you-- I recall that she wasn't your responsibility. Everything must be working out better than you expected it to with your new roommates, I take it?"

I rub the back of my neck nervously, resting my other forearm on my knee. The truth is, I haven't been home much at all. I can't exactly say that things are working out or aren't... I haven't allowed myself and Tris the chance to find out. Tonight when she fell from that ferris wheel... my worst fear was flashing before my eyes. The thought of losing Tris forever was unbearable, and I didn't hesitate to take the chance that I would fall to my death with her. Saving myself but letting her die... that was never an option.

Even while I was with Lauren all this week, I missed Tris. I have always missed Tris, every day since I left her two years ago. But even when I am with her... our pasts are a wall between us, and she is still far away from me.

"I think we need more time to figure that out," I say vaguely. "I don't know. I do care for Tris. But I did something... I made a choice out of anger and jealousy. I can't take it back, I can't turn back time. I did something I regret and now I have to live with it."

Monica smiles at me, but her eyes don't crinkle in the corners like they did when we were talking about Natty. "You and Tris are both young, Four. You will live and learn. Don't hold on to regrets. Just move forward and learn from them, and don't give up on one another."

The baby cries, and I am relieved that our conversation is cut short; we didn't end on a very comfortable topic for me. Natty squeals and smiles when she sees me, and I can't help smiling back at her. Monica loads me up with baby, bag and a few instructions before we tell her goodnight and walk back to my apartment, Natty cooing at me the whole way there.

+++o+++

I had been unsure about watching the baby, having no experience with anything of the sort. But everything Tris had said about Natty's easy temperament has proved true; she's a happy, friendly baby, and interacting with her has been surprisingly easy. We have spent the past half-hour sitting together on my bed. Her eyes light up as she bats at the toys I shake in front of her, and her giggles are so infectious that sometimes I laugh, too, when I tickle her soft, chubby tummy.