Pure Manhood

"Shouldn't I be free to do whatever I want?"

Which of the following two men is free?

The first man lives by himself and isn't in a relationship because he doesn't want to be tied down by commitment. He often stays out all night, enjoying the fact that he doesn't have to answer to anyone when he comes home. On other nights, he spends hours looking at porn online. In fact, he hasn't gone a week without look at porn for years. Occasionally, he hits a strip club with his friends and drinks as much as he wants. He has one child from a previous relationship, but he's glad that the mother has custody of her, since he saw the unplanned kid as a burden.

The second man is married with three kids. He comes home after work to help his wife bathe the kids and get them ready for bed. He has plenty of friends but isn't able to spend as much time with them as he did when he was a bachelor. As for porn and the temptations of other women in his life, he keeps his eyes on his bride.

The world will tell you that the bachelor is free and the husband is enslaved. But take a deeper look. Unless the first guy changes his life, he will lie on his deathbed one day and realize that he wasted his entire life on himself. He was created to make a gift of himself, but he spent his whole life trying to maximize his personal pleasure. His selfishness blinded him from seeing that there's one thing we desire more than freedom, and that is love. We have been created for love. But this love makes demands on us and comes at a heavy price: It costs us ourselves. This is why so many guys pull back. In the words of one man, "I wanted to look like the knight, but I didn't want to bleed like one."19

We need to drop the false notion that freedom means doing whatever we want. Pope John Paul II reminded us:

If freedom is not used, is not taken advantage of by love, it becomes a negative thing and gives human beings a feeling of emptiness and unfulfillment.20

The bachelor mentioned above is not free. He is enslaved by his own lust and selfishness. The husband, who seems tied down, is imaging the love of Christ, who said of his life, "No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord" (John 10:18). The husband knows that giving away your "freedom" for the sake of love saves you from yourself. It liberates you, because it frees you to love. Whether it's for your wife, your kids, or your God, you surrender your freedom as a gift to others.

We are free to turn down the challenges of love, but we will find true freedom only by accepting them. This is the great paradox of Christianity—unless you empty yourself, you will feel empty; unless you surrender your freedom, you will not find it. When it comes to purity, you must look past the initial fear that you will be missing out on something, because beyond the small sacrifice is a great reward. Once you realize that self-control makes you free to love, you will no longer see purity as a loss. Do not be afraid to be a true gentleman, for as St. Josemaria Escriva assured us, "When you decide firmly to lead a clean life, chastity will not be a burden on you: It will be a crown of triumph."21