Pure Manhood

"If she's willing to do it, why is it wrong?"

Most guys assume that as long as a girl consents, they've done nothing wrong. Without realizing it, many of us share this mentality: "As long as I don't force her, it's okay."

Yet often after going too far with a girl, we go away feeling empty. We know we've misused our God-given power to lead. One college football player told me that he would initiate sexual things with his girlfriend, "But sometimes afterwards, I feel as though I almost raped her. I mean I know I didn't, but it's not like she wanted to before we started. I just keep on pushing the envelope until she wants to."

But plenty of girls do not simply go along with it—they take the initiative and pressure the guy. Opportunities like this are the most difficult to resist, because immediate gratification awaits you, and all you need to do is go along. It is at times like this when a man's strength or weakness becomes evident. When a woman is willing to be impure, the man who loves her must have enough control over his body and enough concern for her soul to tell her no. It is one of the clearest marks of authentic manhood: being able to see a woman's dignity, especially when she does not. He knows he has no right to see her body, even though she has surrendered it. A true man will not take advantage of a woman who does not know her worth.

Unfortunately, young men rarely hear about other guys practicing such self-restraint. No one ever bragged in the locker room about saying no to his girlfriend or his date. In fact, how many guys do you know who have ever said no to a girl? One would think that we're expected to take everything she's willing to give us.

It seems that most girls need a reason to have sex, while most guys need a reason not to have sex. Unless we're deeply convinced of the value of purity, we see no reason to preserve it. But through the battle for purity, a guy comes to appreciate a woman as a gift to be received, not a goal to be conquered.

We know inside that it's more masculine to guard a girl's innocence than to damage it. After all, which demands more strength? Obviously it's easier to wear down a girl with your words than it is to preserve your purity. The easy choice only requires her to be weak. The harder choice demands that you be strong.

"Is she going to think something's wrong with me if I say no?"

That depends on what kind of girl she is. One young woman told me that she cried when her boyfriend said he wanted to stop having sex, because she thought he was breaking up with her. But then, she said, "He reassured me that this wasn't the case and that he still loved me and wanted to love me for my mind and not just my body. I was overwhelmed by this."

It's surprisingly rare for a woman to look down on a guy who wants to guard the innocence of the relationship. To test this, I asked the thousand young women in my survey the following question: "If you were going too far with a guy, and he gave you a kiss on the forehead and said, 'I think we need to slow down. I respect you too much to do all this with you, and I want to fall in love with you for all the right reasons,' would you find him more attractive, or less attractive?"

Almost 100 percent of the girls—995—said that they would find the guy more attractive. One girl said this was "because he was thinking about us and not just him." Another girl remarked, "I'm not going to lie. At first, I would be thinking, 'What? What kind of guy says that?' But then later that night I would be thinking, 'I really like this guy.'"

I posed a final question to these girls: "Some guys fear that being a virgin is embarrassing. How would you feel if a guy saved his virginity for you, his bride?" Again, the responses overwhelmingly indicated the attractiveness of purity. Here are some of their replies:

• "He is the kind of guy I'd need to snatch up before the rest of the billions of girls did."

• "Stop worrying about what others say. It means so much if you wait!"

• "That is hot."

• "It's okay to be a virgin. In fact, most girls prefer it."

• "It takes a lot for a guy to stay a virgin, and I love boys like that—who don't care what people think!!!"

• "He's more manly than most guys."

• "They shouldn't be embarrassed. I'm not."

• "His bride is going to be lucky."

• "Thank God for guys like him."

• "A lot of girls like myself find it geeky when a guy is scared if he's a virgin. He should be proud."

• "I'd feel like a true princess, because that's how I want to feel on my wedding night."

• "I'd want him more!"

• "This is the most beautiful thing a man can give his bride. It sums up the essence of being a man in one choice. He has promised his whole self, including his body."

• "Awesome. I won't feel like I'm with all his past girlfriends."

• "He can respect you more if he respects himself."

Almost every girl—996—said that she would feel loved, honored, and more attracted to such a man. Of the remaining four, one expressed disbelief, and three others were indifferent, saying things like "I would love him no more or less if he did."

Every girl longs to know that she's lovable, desirable, and worth protecting. By the time a girl gets to college, she has often given up hope because of the things she's seen (or done). She may settle for hookups or being "friends with benefits," but in her heart, she dreams of something more. In fact, more college women than I can count ask me the very same question: "All the guys are interested in only one thing. Where can I find a decent man?"

Imagine if you were to tell such a girl that you didn't

want to do something sexual. If she leaves you because you want to be pure, then you know she never loved you to begin with, and you're better off without her. But if she stays with you, then you'll respect each other all the more. Either way, we must all face our fear of rejection if we're ever going to love.

As the survey showed, most women long to find a confident man who is capable of self-restraint. Even if you've already lost your virginity, you can still choose to start over and live the virtue of purity. Regardless of the past, it's never too late to become the man you ought to be.