Pure Manhood

"What's a gentleman supposed to do?"

Guys are constantly told to act like gentleman but are rarely told exactly what this means. I include the following not because I've mastered any of it, but because I could have used these specifics a while ago.

If you're interested in a girl, first build the foundation of a lasting friendship. By doing this, you'll be able to see if you're attracted to her personality and not just her looks. It will also give you the chance to know her family before you pursue her. When a guy skips this step of a relationship, the girl's parents often resent him and wonder why he's afraid to be around them. They know that a guy who isn't trustworthy is easily intimidated by loving parents. They want only the best for their daughter, and if you love her, you will share their intention. I once heard a mother say that she was so protective of her daughter because after working so hard to raise godly children, the last thing she wanted was to see her daughter throw it all away and marry some "unprepared spiritual midget."

When the time comes to ask a young woman out, take the initiative. There's no way around it—a guy has to experience being a nervous wreck as he asks a girl out. This honors the girl, because it takes the burden of rejection off of her and places it on you. By initiating love, you're telling her that you'd rather be rejected by her than not have had the chance to win her. So get out of your shell. If she's not worth the pain of rejection, then you don't desire her enough.

Plan ahead for your date. Show that you've put some thought and effort into making the time with her special. Don't just sit there saying, "I don't know. What do you want to do?" If you go to a restaurant, open the door for her. When you sit down, pull her chair out for her. Deliberately give her the seat that faces the center of the restaurant, or whichever one has the better view. You should take the seat that faces the wall. This is a sign that you won't be looking over her shoulder at the hostess or the TV during dinner. Your eyes are on her, and she knows it. If an attractive woman walks by, you should keep your attention on your date, so that she is secure in your love. Staring at other women while you're on a date shows a lack of respect, self-control, and class.

When the waiter comes, let her order first. When the food arrives, pray grace, and don't eat as if someone is about to take your dinner away from you. Take your time, and don't swipe food off of her plate unless she offers. When it comes to talking, avoid conversations that sound like, "I've talked enough about me. Now you talk about me." Take an interest in her. Keep the conversation pure, avoid gossip, and be considerate about what she may not want to discuss. When the bill comes, look at it with wide eyes and slide it over to her, and say, "If I were you, I wouldn't pay that much." Not really. If you've invited her out to a meal, you should pay.

If you're getting the feeling that you're becoming a servant, you're getting the right idea. If you hope to be a father one day (as a dad or a priest), then get used to it. The man is the spiritual head of the family. Paul tells husbands that they should be the head of their wives as Christ was the head of the Church, and that they should love their brides as Christ loved the Church (Eph. 5). But don't confuse leadership with domination. Remember that Christ was the one who washed his disciples' feet and that he was crucified for them. In the same way, the man is to be the leader by serving. Although you are not the spiritual leader of your date, you can still take the initiative to honor her in many ways.

It has been said that beginning at the age of two, women speak three times as many words as guys do. I don't doubt this for a second. But one problem this causes in relationships is that we don't talk. As the relationship deepens, let her know—in words— where you stand. Sometimes a girl will lie awake at night pulling her hair out trying to figure out if a guy likes her, while he's lying in bed wondering how to get to the next level of his video game. Be clear with her. I don't mean that you have to pour out your dreams of the future, which feature her driving a minivan filled with your offspring. Just let her know where you're at. I can think of several times when I was initially interested in a girl, spent some time with her, got disinterested, and moved on—all without ever having the courtesy to talk to her about it until I dropped the "let's just be friends" bomb.