Safety Pin ; Cielois

Chapter 24 - Do I want it ?

I looked up at Ciel through my tears- filled eyes, too schocked to speak. Why couldn't I give him a satisfying answer ?

- Follow me. he said, holding out his hand.

Fortunately, he wasn't expecting me to say something as heartfelt as him.

We walked silently for god knows how long, hand in hand. His cracked lips remained closed, agressively pinched on a cigarette. But in his eyes, I read the words he hid from me. He was losing hope, losing his way. I was dragging him with me in my fall.

He had thought he could save me from drowning, but I was only an anchor that made him sink . I was destroying both of us. It had to stop.

IIllness had made me a detestable person. I was no longer desired. I wanted to please people , even just a tiny bit. I wanted people to look at me and think :

" Whoah , he's beautiful. "

I wanted people to fight over me, to oggle me. It was an egoistic wish, but I only found myself valuable in the eyes of others. Their words determined my self-esteem.

And the only words that were intended to me were critiscm of random passers-by.

"Did you see how thin he is? Creepy."

"You think he's sick?"

It was the contrary of my expectations . But I couldn't complain about it because I did everything in my power to look like this .

"You don't have to please anyone " Ciel had told to me, breaking the silence at last , after seeing my dismay.

I agreed with that . But, through this frightful illness, I tried to please myself as well. To fulfill my expectations. Why were so many people getting in my way to perfection ? They didn't want my happiness, it had to be that.

We stopped after a while and sat down on a bench.

- Ciel , you'll have more trouble than you think . You will have great difficulty watching me destroy myself. I whispered. It'd be best if you'd let me drown.

I hadn't even noticed that while I spoke , tears had brimmed in the corners of my eyes. Ciel delicatly wiped them with his thumb. He kissed me on the forehead and took me in his arms.

He tightened his embrace and we stayed in this positon for a while , without speaking. To tell the truth, words were useless.

- You must believe in yourself. Even when nothing goes right , you must never cease to hope.

*

Alois, you deserve happiness, I told myself in front my reflection. Self-confidence was very hard to find and required an enormous work on oneself. With all the help I ever had, I haf unfortunately never achieved it. I was even wondering if, one day, I would have that confidence. I needed it to heal.

I couldn't stand the fucking voice in my head it any longer.

"You want to lose weight, came back the destructive voice, so do it. "

I watched myself disappear with this morbid admiration which digs your stomach, ices your blood and warms your heart.

It was a morbid pleasure to see me sinking. I felt the water around me, and I opened my mouth wide to let it in.

What killed me was Ciel's gaze. Gentle and understanding. Confident. He had confidence in me. He told himself that I would come to him when I was ready. He told himself that I trusted him enough to talk to him about everything and especially about me. His confidence stifled me because I wasn't worthy of it ...