Safety Pin ; Cielois

Chapter 18 - If you knew

Alois POV
( still 3 years ago )

When I was younger, I didn't understand how someone could end his days. How someone could want to hurt himself, slash his arms, hate himself. But now I understand . I understand what it is. To feel useless, as if no one cared. I realize how much words can hurt someone . I realize today how what it is to be in that person's shoes. What it is to want your own death.

As soon as I get home , I run upstairs to my room and cry my eyes out for some time . Today is Friday. I promise myself that I would be dead by the end of the week-end. I was never going back to high school. I don't want to go out anymore. The outside world terrorizes me. Here , if I didn't log onto social media , no one could hurt me.

I'm at the point where I can't feel anything but sadness anymore. I don't feel the tears running down my face. I don't feel the blade slicing open my skin. I'm at the point where I cry until I fall asleep every night. I'm at the point where the slightest thing makes me sad. I am at the point where everything I eat has the same taste. I am at the point where I no longer sleep properly.

I feel completely useless. I am worthless. Pathetic. Ugly. Undesirable. I hate myself. I just want to die.

All week-end , I have to pretend to be fine in front of my mother . It's getting harder and harder with each second passing.

The idea of ​​suicide is becoming obsessive. I can no longer stand this shitty life . I can't bear to make my mother suffer with my existence. What was a wish is becoming a plan.

I hesitate to tell her that I want to kill myself . But I hold it in. I mustn't warn anyone if I want to suceed. If I warn her , she'll stop me.

Saturday night, the self-destruction begins. I swallow some laxatives , which will cause me sequels. Sunday morning , I cut myself . A lot. I think I have never cut this much . I feel better, for a moment only . I make myself vomit as well , until I almost pass out from exhaustation.

- I won't go to school tomorrow. I announce at dinner.

- You're not sick. Of course you will darling. I don't want you to skip school. You already miss it a lot with your illness. She answers in a sweet, but firm voice.

The thing is , I'm not asking her a question. I won't go to school tomorrow . This is a statement , an affirmation.

I'm going to die . I am finally putting an end to this hell . I spend my last evening writing a note for my mother.

My letter is covered in tears . This is the last time , the last time I would cry.

Resigned , I take my blades out of their hiding place. I first try to open up my veins , like Sebastian suggested , but I can't manage to draw out enough blood with my shaky hands. Fuck ! Just let me die already.

There was an another solution. Trying to silence my sniffles, I sneak into the bathroom.

Then everything goes so fast. I empty a box of medicine and begin counting the pills . The deadly dose is approximatively 10 grams. I play for a while with the colored pills and swallow about 4 grams of it.

The medecines almost make me vomit. This is so disgusting I think about giving up for a moment . But the urge to die is stronger so I swallow it all.

I get out the exact count and swallow them quickly. Some pills remain at the bottom of the box and I decide to swallow them all . It could only strengthen the probabilities of me reaching my goal.

I had swallowed a total of 12 grams of a dangerous and deadly active ingredient . Maybe a little more, I stopped counting along the way.

Now I'm sure I'm goning to die. But I don't want to stop there. I want to take all the medicines in this house. I want more than anything to die.