Suicidal Journal

Journal #12 Im sorry

It's only been one day without and I feel so lost. My life sucks even more. Who am I suppose to love? Who am I keep my promises to? Selfish thoughts I know but I can't help it. Its part of who I am. I know you said that we are just waiting but how long will we wait? How long will it take for us to get better? You may say this wait is for us but I don't feel like that's it. I feel like you fed up with me. Like you don't need me to be by your side. More selfish thoughts I'm sorry. Now I no that most of this is my fault. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being such a sucky person. I'm sorry for telling you something and expecting you to comfort me and tell me you'll help me through this. I was wrong to expect such a fairy-tale. I'm sorry for being needy and selfish. I'm sorry for everything.

  There's a sad part to all of this though. I can't seem to hate you. As torn as I am, I can't hate you. I honestly want nothing to do with you. I never want to see you again but at the same time I want in your arms and you calling me yours forever. fairy-tale and bullshit is all that is. I just don't know anymore.

  You were my everything and now your gone. You broke your promise. You promise you never let me go. Do you really love me of were those lies to? What happened to never leaving me no matter what? Now you act as if I don't exist. I get you need your space. But lately I feel as if your toying with my mind. I guess I'm a fool. I was so foolish to believe you. All those promises made what good are they if you can't keep them. I trusted you with so much. I trusted you'd be there for me. I kept my promise. I guess all I can do is apologize. I'm sorry for being so screwed up. I'm sorry for not begging and pleding for you not to leave. I'm sorrh for not loving you enough. I'm sorry for not being there for you. I'm sorry for saying sorry.