Yin & Yang

"God is purposely making my life into a soap opera"

Annette P.O.V.

It hurts me. It physically makes me ache when I remember how his arms felt around me, how soft and warm his skin felt against mine. My body prickles when I retrace his fingertips on my cheeks, and I remember the slight shake of his hand. My heart constricts every time I think of his brutally honest words whispered into the night. And my gut plummets when I remember my harsh words and the vision of his unbelievably hurt face.

It hurts. It hurts so much that I am having a hard time breathing. My lungs seemed to have stopped working and every time I do gulp in fresh air it feels as if my ribs are stabbing my lungs in protest.

Because, no matter what I do and no matter how hard I try, I always, always come back to Adam.

But, I don’t want to. I don’t want to ever come back to him again. I long for the day when I can let my mind wander, and it won’t lead back to that dimple-faced boy. Because, all it does is remind me of a failed relationship and a past riddled with loss.

I don’t want to hear how sorry he is or how the guilt has been with him for the last two years. Those words just deepen my own guilt and hate.

He is a constant reminder of all the things I have lost and it hurts.

Seeing his face, hearing his voice, feeling his skin; all of it just brings me so much agony. And it’s even worse because I do want to see his face, hear his carefree laugh, and feel that toxic skin against my own. It is unbelievably ironic.

Friday night, when I was so broken and lost, when it felt like the whole world was against me, I could only think of one person to go to. Climbing through that window again after all these years and letting myself breakdown in his arms, I had realized something. And opening my eyes the next morning to a face that I have cursed for two years, confirmed it.

I woke up in his bed and I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to stay with him forever and forget about Charlie, my mom, Ava, Mr. Roth, and my uncle. I wanted to just forget it all so that I could start over with him. And it terrified me. And that’s when I realized something.

I don’t hate Adam; I never have. I was hurt and angry that he cheated on me, that he didn’t stay at the funeral, that he didn’t call me once in the last two years. And then I came back and he was the exact same; arrogant, conceited, and careless. So, I wanted to make him feel even a quarter of what I felt. I wanted him to love me again, so I could break him like he did to me.

But, I realized that night that I could never do that to him. Because I love him. I have always loved him.

And that realization rocked me to the core. Because as much as I did love him, I could never be with him. Not after everything that had happened, I can never go back to the girl I was when I was with him.

So, I left him with that stupid note. I wanted to erase that night from both our memories, so we could just move on with our lives and stop hurting each other. That that night changed nothing, but little did he know; it changed everything for me.

Forget about the game or trying to make him jealous. That only made my feelings for him stronger. It only poured kerosene over the fire in my heart. Forget about revenge or toying with him. Because, even though I still have bruises from the words he told me and the pain that he caused, I would never wish him to feel the way I do.

Before I came back here I believed I was ruthless; I dated and slept with whoever I wanted, I never revealed my true emotions to anyone, and never let myself dwell on the past. But, now I realize that I wasn’t ruthless –I was a coward.

I was hiding from my own feelings and trying to bury my past in the recesses of my mind. But, I realize now that I wasn’t really living, I was only trying to fill a void that Adam and Charlie had left behind. But, I let my emotions and feelings consume me and now it was time that I moved on from them and from my old life. I still have many things left unresolved, but in time I hope that I can come to terms with them and move on.