Another you. {Austlan Cashby}

Chapter eighteen

Thanks for all your comments guys, I'm glad you're all enjoying it in one way or another haha. ♡ Trigger warning.

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[Alan]

I stood there in utter shock. No words dared leave my mouth as the leftovers of Austin's bitter words echoed in my head. I knew he didn't love me, but hearing him say it.. Just made everything worse. Austin looked just as shocked as I did. He held his hands to his mouth and apologised continuously. But I couldn't look at him anymore.

"A-alan.. I'm sorry I didn't mean to say that!" he cried. I was crying to evidently as the tears were soaking up on my grey sweatshirt. I needed to get out of here. I had to keep brushing off my tears and pushing Austin away from me as he begged for me to forgive him. But I couldn't

I grabbed my keys and head for the door but Austin ran in front, blocking the door. He held his hands together and technically prayed me to forgive him. I pushed him with as much force and ran out of the apartment. The door slammed behind me. Just as the door was slammed on any chances I had with the man I thought loved me.

I was pretty sober but I didn't want to be. I strapped myself in the car. I was about to leave until the reality of what just happened hit me. I couldn't help but hear "I don't love you." repeating in my head like a broken record. I sobbed until my eyes were sore and hit the steering wheel until my hands felt bruised. I sucked up my tears and accelerated away from the hell hole itself.

As I zoomed frustratedly down the unknown streets my head pounded with the discontent. Really, I wanted to drown. I wanted to jump off a building. I wanted to overdose. I wanted to die. But as I lifted my hands off the wheel and my foot off the accelerator, I noticed how weak I was. My fingers were limp and I could barely even turn the key to turn off the painful sound of the car.

I stumbled out and looked at the place around me. I locked the car and the touch of the metal key made me long for my precious friend. The cold air comforted me and managed to bring me to my senses. In turn, I wanted something to consume all that was in me. Therefore, I walked around looking for the first bar I could find.

After walking for around 5 minutes, I found a bar. It wasn't too populated which was just great. As I went in, the smell of intoxicating liquor had already compelled me to this habitat. I had learned to liken to the smell of alcohol after having smelt the reek of whisky on my dad after a long work night. An unjustifiable smile tugged at my lips. A smile that could not be described or explained, but a smile that was there. A smile to show I was home, I was completely done with restlessness.

I sat down at the bar, my hands quivering with the pain of the last few events. Austin hasn't even come to find me. Well, good. Saves me more time to drown my demons and any memory of whatever just happened. I asked the bartender for a few different drinks, lying that I was waiting for some friends. Haha, friends? Haven't had many of those since.. Well, ever. The bartender brought forward the first couple of shots which I of course took for myself; just like every other drink that was ordered.

I wanted the numb to dissolve, the pain, the reality. I was unloved, unwanted, unnecessary baggage. My stomach churned and I remembered that I haven't eaten in days. But the level of how much I cared was below zero. My head spun as I continued to throw back as many drinks as I could until the area around me was relatively clear and the night had descended to its end.

I felt my phone vibrate in my back pocket as I stumbled out of the bar. In my attempt to ignore it, I failed due to it vibrating violently for another minute or two. I almost tumbled over so I leant besides a wall in an alleyway and checked my phone.

'Austin: Missed call (6)

Austin: Message (7)' my phone read. I sighed, failing the third attempt to unlock my phone before I finally did it. I read the messages, 'Alan where are you' and 'Alan i need to find you' with the apparent 'I love you Alan' or 'Come back'. I laughed at his lies and picked up the next call he offered.

"Alan, where are you?" his almost comforting words spoke. "Nowhere you need to be." I spat. Why would he care? He doesn't love me, remember?

"Alan, you need to come home. You wont be safe. You're still drunk, I can tell." he sighed. "You don't need to baby me, don't tell me what to do!" I yelled before ending the call.

He has no right to tell me what do. I am my own person and I've been given this stupid brain for a reason. It's here to make decisions and if I make bad ones? Well then that's life. This is what people aren't prepared for. Breakdowns. They think that the brain is there to make right decisions, it's not. It's there to make decisions whether they're right or wrong. It doesn't matter.

I had forgotten where my car was and ended up walking for around half an hour until I finally found my familiar use of transport. I unlocked the car and found myself in my seat in no time. I hadn't closed the door but I was sitting with my legs out as I felt a burn in my throat, feeling to be sick. I sat for five minutes until the sickening fluids finally backfired and I vomited into the lonely gutter. I wiped my mouth and gargled the horrid taste out with the bottle of water in my car. I shut the door and turned the car on.

My vision was clear and I felt better than before, but I was still intoxicated. And worse yet, I was still thinking of Austin. I didn't know where I was going but funnily enough, I ended up near Austin's apartment. I dared not to go back there, and I tried not to.. And I didn't. Instead I drove into the parking lot of his apartment; still daring not to go in there. Austin had left me 20 calls now but little did he know that I was right downstairs.

I rummaged through the container in front of the passengers seat until I found a small whisky bottle I had confiscated from my kitchen cabinet a month ago. I cant remember why but I just remember doing it.

I sighed. I thought about everything and anything there was to think about while I took consistent swigs of the almost empty alcoholic drink. I was a failure. Everything was crashing down on me. I felt like I was in the midsts of hell when really Austin was there worrying about me. But he said he didn't love me so what could I believe.

I'm a mess so why would he love me. I looked at my arm which I had carved his name into a few months ago. Two years ago I started to make each cut a lot deeper to relieve more of the pain. But now they're all amounting a whole load of problems.

I can't go out without long sleeves. I can't go swimming, to the beach, shower properly. I never really though about the consequences. Everything would be easier if I could cut so much at once that I'd die and not have to worry about the aftermath. Then I realised that I was in the perfect situation.

I drank the bottle dry of any liquid. I thought hard about this. I opened the door and slammed the bottle on the cold, concrete floor. The bottle smashed into tens of pieces. I picked up which looked the sharpest. I pulled my phone out of my pocket. I wanted Austin to feel bad. But most of all, as much as I couldn't admit, I wanted a sense of security.

At the end of the day, he was my guardian angel. I rang him up and he picked up almost instantly. "Alan! Where are you?!" he shouted hurriedly. I took a deep breath in and replied saying, "If you come downstairs, regret it." I whispered, placing the phone down. I'm not sure if I disconnected, but I didn't know how much I cared. I kissed the glass and let it do its work as immediately, I slashed my wrist, aiming for the vein. I sat there with the blood already dripping down my arm. 'Had I really done it?' I said in my thoughts.

A grim smile tugged on my lips as I felt my head jumble and my eyes slowly closed.. While a panicked voice cried my name from a far, my hearing subsided...

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Word count: 1521

*A/N: Woah that took a rough end. Again, I don't plan these, they're all made up depending on my mood when I write it. I'll try to make it more uplifting but every story needs drama. By the way, in no way whatsoever do I promote self harm or self injury of any kind. Writing these are a way of letting out my feelings pretty anonymously so I'm really sorry if it's bad. Anyways, thanks for reading, commenting and voting. Keep it up! Oh yeah and the music video for Bones Exposed came out today ahhh. Oh my God when Alan licks his lips and swings the guitar around his body oh my. ♡ n_n*