not today | joshler

Twenty Eight

Twenty Eight

Josh's Suicide

"I could do this, I could do this, I could do this." Josh muttered to himself as he held the razor blade, meant for pencil sharpeners, he bought from the corner store.

He was standing in front of the sink, staring at his wrists and then at his face. He was so tired. Tired of everything, especially living.

He just wanted to leave, and this seemed like the only option other than hanging himself.

But then his mind seemed to wander off to other things, like his parents and friends and family and Tyler...

He didn't want to think about what Tyler would go through, but he couldn't help it. Josh couldn't help think if the boy would kill himself. He didn't want that for Tyler.

It's just been too much for him. His
parents and strangers hated him because he's gay, his friends all make fun of his hair, he hated himself. He hated that he had to be this way. He was weak in his own mind.

Slowly, he steadied the blade and raised it up to his left wrist.

You're worthless. No son of mine will be living under my roof if he's a fag.

Pink hair? You look like a little girl getting her first dye.

Faggots!

Josh slit his wrist. He cut from his wrist to a few inches away from his elbow. It was deep and blood was gushing out all over the floor and sink.

He gasped in pain but took the bloody blade into his right hand and carved the same vertical line with tears spilling out.

Josh's body shook with every sob he choked out. Feeling a numbness that was new to his skin. He tried to smile as he slumped down against the bathtub; it crushed against him.

He was okay now. He'd never be hurt again. He'd be happy like all the times he was with Tyler– were those actually real? All the times Tyler made him smile?

The five years they've been together. The five years worth of Tyler's smile. The five years of Josh's happiness. The five years wasted. He'd never see Tyler again. He'd never see his smile every again. He wouldn't graduate, go to college, get married, or have kids.

At least he spent his last five years in a relationship with a happy Tyler Joseph. He could've went to therapy instead, but he figured it wouldn't help. His anxiety and depression had already captured him– the letter. He never gave it Tyler.

He pushed those thoughts away. That didn't matter now because Josh had already made his decision.

But then it was gone, the numbness was gone.

And so was he.