Who Am I?

Chapter Twenty One:

Megan: I need to tell you something that I don’t think you’re gonna be too happy about

Allie: enlighten me please…I haven’t been happy about anything ive been hearing lately, it won’t make a difference

Megan: are you sure?

Allie: Yeah. How bad could it be?

Megan: Bionca and Jake are dating

I throw my phone across the room and gag. EXCUSE ME?!

Allie: Are you sure about that?

Megan: I think so. I guess we’ll find out when we go into school today

Allie: I don’t want it to be true

Megan: I know. I’m here for you

Allie: thanks ily

I jump out of bed and get dressed. I run to the bathroom, sweeping my hair into a ponytail and quickly applying makeup. Once in the car, I take a deep breath, making me realize that I’ve been holding my breath for a long time. Okay, I can handle this. It’s probably just a rumor.

I get into school and the first thing I see is Jake pressing Bionca tightly against the lockers. Her hands are draped over his shoulder and his hands are on her ass. And…they’re kissing.

I run for the bathroom. Wow the tears are coming fast. They’re streaming down my cheeks. I can’t believe this is happening to me. How could he do this to me? It’s barely a month after we broke up and he’s already hooking up with another girl. How could he do that to me? And Bionca! I know that she’s a bitch, and I know she tries to ruin my life, but seriously? That’s like a law. Don’t date another girl’s ex till she’s like mentally okay. I just don’t even know what to do with myself. Now there’s really no way I’m going to be able to fix things with Jake.

I wipe my eyes with a paper towel, stand up straight, fake smile in the mirror and walk out.

“Hey Allie, can I talk to you for a second?” Bionca asks surprisingly calmly

“Sure.” I say, extremely confused.

She walks to an alcove by the nurse’s office.

“I just want to let you know that Jake and I are dating. I hope you are okay with that.” she says.

“Thanks for the update. I’m not okay with it.” I say, turning to walk away.

Bionca grabs me and pushes me against the wall.

“EXCUSE YOU?!? DID YOU JUST SAY YOU’RE NOT OKAY WITH IT?!” she screams in my face.

“Yeah, I did say that. I’m not okay with it. It’s not gonna stop you anyway so why do you care?”

“Because you always have it good. Your life is perfect. You always get everything you want when you want it. You’re gorgeous and smart. Can’t you be happy for me for once?” she yells, squeezing my arm even harder.

“You know what? I’m so happy for you. You are really pretty and smart and you deserve only the best. I wish you much luck in your relationship with Jake.” I say, trying again to escape her grasp.

“Liar. You’re a fucking liar. You just want to get away from me.” Bionca said, blocking my way.

“Move now before I go and tell the principal about this. Leave me alone. You have what you want now. You took my happiness from me. What else can I give you bitch?” I spit out, surprised at my own words.

“Die.”

~~~~~~~~

In the car on the way home I hold back my tears. I wait until I get home to cry. I run up to my room and punch my pillow. And scream.

“GOD FUCKING DAMN IT! SHE WANTS ME TO DIE! OKAY ILL FUCKING DIE. IT’S NOT LIKE ANYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD CARES ABOUT ME ANYMORE. MY PARENTS JUST GO ABOUT THEIR BUSINESS AND ONLY HELP ME WHEN I COME TO THEM. NOBODY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT ME ANYMORE. I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT JAKE AND BIONCA ARE DATING! HOW DARE SHE HOPE THAT I WILL FIND THAT RELATIONSHIP OKAY. HOW COULD YOU ASK SOMEONE WHO YOU KNOW IS HEARTBROKEN TO BE OKAY WITH YOU LOVING THE PERSON YOU MISS MOST?!”

I open my night table drawer and take out the blades again. I run to the bathroom with them and sit down on the edge of the tub. I turn on the water and undress. I step into the bath and sit down in the water. I take the blades and slice my legs. Long, and deep. The hot water from the bath stings my leg, making me forget about the pains in my life. I cut the letter ‘B’ into my leg. The water is turning red at the color of my blood. Then I cut the letter ‘J’ into my leg. The tears just keep coming. I lay down in the tub, letting the water fill up around me. Slowly the water gets higher and higher. It fills, covering my mouth, leaving my nose to be the only place for me to breathe. And slowly that fills too. The last thoughts that fill my head are “Bionca will always win. You will always lose, you freak.”