Who Am I?

Chapter Twenty

I thought the last breakup was bad. But no, this is even worse. He freaking accused me of having AIDS from cheating on him with Dean. There are so many things wrong with that. I honestly don't even know how I'm going to function with out Jake. He was literally the most amazing boyfriend. He would always be there for me, and he always knew how to make me laugh.

There was one time that I was having a really rough day. I hadn't finished a paper for English and I brought it on a flash drive to finish it in school and the flash drive got lost and then when I finally found it, it was snapped in half. Bionca was being extremely moody with me on that day too. It took every amount of non existent energy for me to not cry. But Jake, he was amazing. During lunch he and I went to the arts department and I cried and he held me in his arms, kissing my forehead every so often. I felt safe and loved and like something was going right in my life.

But now, now it's all gone. And it's gone for good.

The summer before eighth grade was actually the first time that I ever saw Jake. I was at the pool with my mom and he and one of his friends walked down the stairs leading to the pool deck. At the time I was really fat and ugly and I just hated everything about myself. When I saw Jake I was inspired to change. I wanted to be thinner, prettier, less freakish. He didn't even know this, but since that day, I liked him. I knew I wanted him to be mine. I wanted to kiss his perfect lips. I wanted him to hold him in his strong arms. I just wanted him. I still do. He just doesn't want me.

I just don't understand why he's being such a dick. I wasn't mean to him. I don't get why breakups have to end so harshly. Why did he have to use such harsh language towards me? I don't deserve to be treated this way. I want to know what's going through his head. Was it because I didn't want to go further physically with him? He won't talk to me. Actually no, he will talk to me, except its more like screaming and spitting out volatile words and hateful thoughts. I just don't want that now.

~~~~~~~~~

Getting out of the car, I suddenly feel extremely vulnerable. I feel eyes all over me. Maybe I'm just exaggerating, but I just don't feel wanted.

"Have a good day." my dad says before driving away.

And now I'm on my own. I take a deep breath and open the doors to school. The place I know will be hell.

Immediately I hear whispering.

"I heard she cheated on him."

"I heard she wanted to have sex with him and she tried to force herself on him."

"I heard she smacked him when he broke up with her."

"She's such a slut."

I walk faster to my locker. Jake is standing near Bionca. The body language is clear. I know exactly what's going on here.

I open my locker and begin putting the books I will need for class in my bag. My textbook falls out and smashes my finger.

"FUCK!" I yelp a little too loudly.

Everyone stops talking. I feel about thirty pairs of eyes on me. Keep focused Allie. Just get to class.

I zip up my bag and close my locker as quietly as I can before heading off to class.

~~~~~~~~

Lunch.

Not hungry.

I might as well start lowering my intake of food now because no guy is going to like me. Jake is the only guy who loved me for me, without making me self conscious about my body. That's really a big deal. Actually wait, no, he never loved me. If he loved me he wouldn't have done this to me.

No lunch today.

Get skinny.

~~~~~~~~~

Two weeks have gone by now. The hatred at school is too much to handle. Thank god for spring break. I've been in Florida for about a week now with my family. We are going back tonight.

"Allie, are you all packed? We are leaving for the airport in about ten minutes." my dad says.

"Yeah, I'm ready to go. Is there anything else I can do to help?" I ask, putting down my phone.

"Allie, you've been so strong. I know this break up was really hard for you. I'm really proud of you." my dad says, pulling me into a much needed hug.

The last time a got a hug from a male that I loved was...it was...Jake.

God I love his hugs. He has a wider build and big strong arms. When you lean against his chest, its like laying on a bed. He's so warm and strong. And when he wraps his arms around you, he like envelopes you in safety. Hugging him has always been one of my favorite things. Let me just add that he smells heavenly. He smells like green apples. I just. UGH. I miss him. I miss hugging him. I'm never gong to hug him again.

A tear escapes my eye. One of the hardest things about the last few weeks has been learning to let go of someone so special to me. And the memories. I'll never forget those. They're too strong and engraved in me.

~~~~~~~~

"Flight #E57 is about to board." the flight attendant states over the loud speaker.

"Mom, I'm gonna run to the bathroom really fast. I'll be back really soon." I say.

I do my business in the bathroom and just as I am walking toward the sink to wash my hands I bump into someone. Hard.

"Oh I'm so sor-" I don't even get to finish my sentence before I realize the girl I bumped into is none other than that angel Bionca.

"Bitch! Watch where you're going!" she says, smacking me across the face with her not-yet-washed, ass-wiping, dirty hand. 

UGH. YUCK.

"Are you going home too?" I ask, trying to lighten the mood, realizing that we might actually end up on the same plane. FUCK.

"Yeah, I'm going home to JAKE." she says, running her hands under water for .5 seconds before grabbing a napkin to dry them.

Man, she's really gross. Her personality is disgusting and her sanitary skills are beyond failing. She nauseates me.

"We're on the same plane. Stay away." she spits out before leaving the bathroom.

_~_~_~_~_~

The entire plane ride consists of me thinking about Jake and Bionca. I think about Jake. I think about Bionca. I think about them together. It's going to happen if it hasn't already. Uch. I just have to pretend like I don't care.

If they date I will kill myself. I can't bare to see the boy I am so madly in love with, date the bitch who has made it her job, her goal in life to make my life miserable.

I told him not to go near her. She's going to end up coming back and kicking him in the ass like she does to everyone else. And then what? Should I care? No. I warned him. Will I care? Of course. He's my first real love, and he will ALWAYS have a special place in my heart.

Jake. I love him. I loved him for who he was when I met him, and I will keep loving him. I know I shouldn't because I know it will hurt more. But I can't control my feelings. I have to hide them tho. I need to pretend like I have moved on. And that is going to be the hardest thing. To pretend like I don't care when I care more than anyone ever will. I don't think he even realizes how god damn hard I fell for him. And how much I would go through anything to have him back. I love him. That isn't going to change.