The Song Left Unstarted (Gerard Way)

Chapter 14 - Nightmares

For the first time in a long time, I had a nightmare. I forgot how terrifying they were, and how real they seemed. But this one was real alright, the nightmare I had was something I could never forget; my worst memory. It was the last time my grandmother was drunk, and the first time she had ever harassed me. Everyone in my family has a drinking problem, even I do. My Grandma had divorced and had started drinking; that went on for about a year. My parents never let me see her, and the first time they did, was the last time she drank. I'd like to say me talking to her made her stop, but it wasn't. It was when she had snapped, and had hit me. I was shocked, I had never been slapped before; and I don't think my grandma even noticed. Because after that came all the insults; she called me every name possible, and I was fine with that. It wasn't anything different from school. The thing that had brought me down was what had made her stop.

"No one will ever love you."

And that's what my dream was, over and over; the torment. I started to believe it too. I woke up after what seemed to be forever. I notice that I had been crying, the tears were fresh; they were still rolling down my face. I cover myself with my blanket. I was so cold, Gerard wasn't there. I couldn't feel his warmth, he wasn't next to me. Confused, I call out his name; no response. I get up and look around the room; no sign of him. I look at the clock, it's 5 am. Where could he be at 5 am in the morning? I get up off the bed, and knock on the bathroom door; empty. I then start walking around my room, looking for any notes. As I pass my desk, I take a quick look out my window; and there he was. Standing out on my front yard, smoking. Stil confused, I throw on a sweatshirt over my pajamas and walk out of my room. 

No one was awake, only Gerard and I. He doesn't notice me at first when I walk outside. 

"Hey, what are you doing outside?" I call out.

He quicky turns his face at me, I see the bags under his eyes; he looks like he hasn't slept in days. I then notice his eyes, red and puffy; had he been crying?

He takes another puff of his cigarette. 

"I woke up early, and I haven't smoked in a while." 

"Hey, are you okay?" 

"Me? Oh I'm fine." He said. He didn't seem okay though, he seemed confused, sad even.

I nod, and watch him. He then extends his arm, he was offering me a cigarette. I take one, and he lights it up for me. We are both quiet, I didn't know what to say. I notice that he had pulled out another one, he was smoking his really fast. Something was wrong, and that something was probably me. It always was. I still didn't say anything, he already looked pissed. I stop staring at him, and look around. The sun was still down, it as still pretty dark outside. I didn't know what to do, should I stay with him? I look back at him, and I see him staring at me. We both stare at each other, I notice his eyes, they were filled with so much confusion. I wonder what mine looked like. 

"What do you think you will be doing after college?" He finally says. 

Was this what he was confused about? The future? I think about his question for a while. 

"Um, a job I guess?" Terrible answer, I know.

"What job do you think?" 

"Whatever I guess? I don't like thinking about the future, so many possibilities; and so much time to think about them too." 

"Oh. Same." He sighs. 

We're both quiet again. He was looking for a better answer. I sigh, I tell him what I've always dreamed of.

"I'll be in New York, for sure. That's where I've always wanted to go. I'll try to get big, just to be able to go to my high school reunion and have all the people that bullied me shocked. Revenge, it sounds terrible I know; but that's all I want."