The Song Left Unstarted (Gerard Way)

Chapter 13 - Flushed

Gerard's POV

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I didn't sleep. I couldn't, there was too much on my mind; and all my thoughts were about Jade. Mainly they were about her scars. I still couldn't believe that she had done that to herself. She is so beautiful, and talented; it pains that me she doesn't realize that. I was so shocked when I had seen them, I still can't forget how they looked like. There were so many too, and they stood out from her pale skin.Even though she had told me why she had harmed herself, I still kept on wondering why. She is so perfect, and I need to make her realize how special she is; because she deserves to know. She is so pretty; her eyes, I could get lost in them, her lips so soft and kissable, and her body, it's a work of art. I watched her sleep. She seemed so calm, but most of the time I just wanted her to wake up. I missed talking to her, even though it's only been a few hours. I am so pathetic, but it's true; she's all I could think about. 

I decided to get up, and look around her room; I was getting bored just lying down. I again looked at the drawings on her wall, they were so beautiful; but they were so dark. I walk around her room until I am in front of her desk. There is not much on it, but I was more interested in the things that were in her drawers. I didn't want to invade her privacy, but I just wanted to know everything about her. Hesitantly, I open the top drawers, quietly so she doesn't wake up. They were filled with papers. The next two were filled with pencils, and art supplies. I opened that last one, not expecting anything interesting. In it were pictures of her with her family, I looked through them; she looked happy, and that made me smile. I put the pictures back, and was about to close the drawer until I noticed a box hidden in the back of the drawer. I reach out and grab the box, when I open it I see it filled with razors. They were all different sizes, and they were all covered with dried blood. I froze, I didn't know what to do. In front of me were the very things that destroyed Jade, what was I supposed to do?

I heard Jade move. I was still frozen, I can hear her waking up. I quickly walk to the bathroom, trying not to make a sound as I close and lock the door. The box was still in my hand, and I stood in front of the toilet. I take a breathe, and flip the box upside down. The razors all falling, making a noise everytime one of them hit the water. I close the lid of the toilet, and I flush it. I sigh, I don't know if I did that right thing. I check the toilet once more to see if they all have flushed down, and they have. I leave the bathroom.

"Gerard?" I hear Jade say as I walk out of the bathroom.

I freeze, I put the hand that held the box behind me.

"Yes?"

"Where did you go?" She sounded sad, and confused.

"Just to the bathroom." 

"Oh." 

I walk to the bed, dropping the box in the drawer and closing it with my foot while going. I climb on the bed, and get next to her. I look at the clock, it's 4 am. I look at Jade, who already was asleep. I get up once I'm sure she's asleep. Not knowing what to do, I grab my sketch book and start to draw. I haven't finished the drawings of us yet, I didn't want to. I turn to a new page and draw Jade sleeping. My whole sketch book is filled with drawings of her, I never show her any of my drawings because I don't want to freak her out. I must have taken a long time drawing, because it was about 6 am when I finished. Drawing gets really distracting sometimes, it always makes me forget about everything that is happening. While drawing her, I forgot about flushing away her razors, I still felt bad for it though. Something inside was telling me that she will ask about it, hopefully she never does. 

I get up. I stretch my arms, and yawn. God this was boring. I then hear something coming from downstairs. Not having anything to do, I leave the room to see what it was. It came from the kitchen, I think. The house was pretty big, so it took a while for me to get there. When I get to the kitchen, I see Jade's mom; she's cooking, and she looks pretty tired. I knock on the door, and she looks up.

"Good morning, Gerard. Did I wake you? I'm sorry I dropped some pans a while ago." 

"Good morning, and no. I was up for a while." I say, giving her a quick small smile. 

"Oh, me too. Haven't been sleeping well these days." She says, sighing. 

"Can I help you? Cook? You seem very tired, and I don't want to be a burden here; you letting me stay here, it's the least I could do."

"Um, sure. Thank you, Gerard."

I walk in, and start helping her cook. We do it in silence, I didn't know what to say; and she probably was too tired. We pass plates, and hand each other things; but we didn't really say anything. It was weird.

"Gerard?" Her mom says, after a while."

"Yes?"

"Are you in love with my daughter?" She turns, and looks at me.

I feel my cheeks turn red. What should I say? 

"....yes." I regret saying that immediately. 

"Good." 

Wait? What? I am so confused, I thought she didn't like Jade dating anyone. She must have noticed the confusion, she again starts to speak.

"You're a really nice guy, perfect for Jade. I've never seen her happier. I watched you guys at the funeral yesterday, too. I saw how you made her smile, and how you calmed her down. I can't thank you enough, I don't know how to do that. She must have told you how I don't like her dating anyone. That's not true, I don't like the idea of her hurting. She's been through a lot, and you know it. I know you're good for her, I can tell you don't want to hurt her too. We can all tell how fragile she is. But, I have one thing you need to do for me."

I nod, I don't know if I should tell Jade this; I am very happy though. Not a lot of parents like me.

"Promise me that even after the summer course ends, that you will still keep in touch with her. I don't care how, but I can tell this isn't going to be a summer fling. Promise me that you will propose to her one day."

Propose? 

"I know I sound crazy, but you guys were meant to be together. You know it, I know it."

I nod.

" Good." And she returns cooking. 

After a while, Jade's dad comes downstairs. Her mom tells him about Jade and I, they were all excited. I was very confused, I didn't know if they were joking or not. And when Jade finally came downstairs, they were all giggly. She was just as confused as I was. She looked at me, and raised an eyebrow; I just shrugged back. She walked up to me, her hair was all messy and cute.

"You say anything?"

"Nope, I just helped your mom make breakfast."

Nothing really happened after that. We were all too lazy to go do anything, we just spent all day watching tv. It got boring, and all I could think about was proposing to Jade. Thinking that far into the futre scared me. What if something went wrong? What if I screwed it up? What if I ended up hurting her? Her mom would never forgive me. They would never. Proposing to her bothered me more than it should have, I should be excited for it. But I feel like I'm being forced to, and trust me I do want to propose to her; but I wish no one was telling me to. Jade must have noticed that something was bothering me, she would squeeze my hand and raise and eyebrow. With that I would return it with a kiss on the cheek. Each time she would get annoyed, she didn't know about her parents. But every time they saw me kiss her, they would look at each other and smile. I didn't like that. They were making me love her, they were telling me to.

It had seemed like all my love for her had flushed away with her razors.

But I love her.

Or do I?

I'm pretty sure. 

God dammit.

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