I was told that the R in Recovery stands for relapse. However, there are two Rs in Recovery. I have never been sure how to feel about this.
I hate feeling as if I am not in control. Whether it be my feelings or actions, I loathe that sense of not being able to saddle my own emotions.
I feel so out of tune with myself. Like I've lost all sense as to who I am. Like I'll always be that girl who messes up.
And I pray for forgiveness, I have 700 times, and I know that while I am made clean, I don't feel clean. If I had taken the baptism water offered at church today, would I be in this situation right now?
I just... I just have to hold on. I have to trust that all this suffering isn't for nothing. I know that God is with me, always is with me, so what have I to fear?
I have to learn that I'm not ever in control -- God is. I suppose I'm scared of losing myself in attempt to better myself.
This entry is a mess. It's going to be a very long night.
The last time this story was published on this website, I had to take it down because I had divulged too much information about myself and my friends. I had poured too much raw soul onto the screen. Too many feelings. So I'll delete this later.
YOU ARE READING
/My Mental Ocean/
Random*Gyrates madly in spinning chair, unable to formulate words because of g-force* Hi there! My name is Riley, I'm in the ninth grade, soon to be tenth (whaddup, time is moving way too fast)! And welcome to My Mental Ocean! This so just a little on...
