still alive

hard to believe

It hurts so much

to be hated by the

people you love

and care about

* Mia's feels*

Ryan's POV

"Yes and yes the only Vicky, how do you know all these things about her?" Mia asked curiously, I removed my hands of hers instantly and looked away.

This is Vicky, the girl I was looking for all these years and now I finally found her. All my feeling for Mia got washed away, it's like knowing I can communicate with her got me edgy.

Does she know it's me, I still love her, I have tried to not believe it but now I know, I will never love Mia like how I loved and still love Vicky.

"It's been on the news before, everyone knows about it." I said only to cover up for my action. I feel really bad, Mia was so confused and she looked like she was about to cry but decided better of it.

"Oh" was all Mia managed to say seeing she was way beyond speechless, and hurt.

"Didn't know you stalk people Ryan bet you know about what happened today," Vicky said and she saved me from having this very awkward moment. Mia avoided my eyes and she was beyond shocked and her hands were trembling in fear of realization.

"Mia as we were talking before we got distracted, well you never answered my question." Vicky added breaking the tension that she felt was rising. I couldn't take it anymore so I reached out my hand to touch Mia's face only to receive a rejection that I didn't know she could ever give me.

"Umm... maybe it's okay if we don't meet? Huh, what do you say?" she asked, I was confused by her changing of mind and Vicky was too because she asked, "Why? You had something to tell me and I assume its super important since you even left a voice message."

"Look I'm tired; call tomorrow okay." Mia said, took a big fake yawn and hang up. Every little emotion she was feeling, she cried them out loud.

The tears that Mia was holding, the pain she was hiding and the hurt she was feeling all came out at once. She couldn't stop her tears and with every drop showed the betrayal she was facing for the second time. I was in the same room as her, watching as she was breaking down; and I couldn't do anything to help her, or comfort her. She was silently hurting and I'm the only one, who could see all the pain, yet I couldn't do anything about it because this time i was part of the pain. I have never felt so guilty and useless in my entire life.

I tried to make her understand, it wasn't meant to turn out this way but she ignored everything I had to say.

"Look Mia it's not what you think, Vicky is just a friend that I had 4 years ago, there is nothing between us."

No reply, the tears and the pain by the look of it kept increasing and I figured every time I mentioned Vicky, the wound grew deeper so I tried not to mention her name but failed.

"Say something? Anything please stop crying, I'm sorry ok. Vic- I mean she is just an old crush" I plead.

I couldn't cover up for my mistake; she had to know the truth even if it makes me seem like a bad guy, even if it means I lose our bond that I worked over 2 years to create. She wanted the truth, and she will keep ignoring me until I explain my action earlier. I took a long sigh before I began my explanation.

"I understand that you are mad at me, not only that you are hurt and it seem like history has repeat itself, which means the pain you once had and finally moved on after so many years has come back in just one night. Look I'm sorry for not telling you this earlier; I would understand if you completely hate me after this, I honestly don't deserve your forgiveness. I know your story, I know how much your first love had hurt you, I witness everything, and I promised you that you will never feel that pain with me. On top of that I promised you to never hurt you the way he did, he didn't deserve you neither do I. The sad part is I did much worse something than him; I used you to cover up my past feelings. I have never really seen you as Mia all these timesI saw you as Vicky and every time I tried to convince myself to like you, I couldn't. Vicky never had the problem you had, but each promise I was making, I was actually making to her. You and her look so alike, every time I'm with you, I only think of her. When I heard it was really the Vicky I have imagined you were all these years, I couldn't hide my true feelings. I have tried to move on and convince myself I was over her, but hearing her voice proved that deep down I had always loved her. It was hard for me to accept this, especially since I knew your story and how hurt you have been. It's hard to believe-"

"JUST SHUT UP, YOU MONSTER I HATE YOU RYAN;YOU ARE THE WORSE I HATE YOU!!!!" she screamed with every words she said was true. I really was a monster, how could I have used her carelessly the way I did, only monsters did that, because they had no feeling. She wiped away her tears and slapped me hard on my right cheek leaving her hand print on it. I have to admit that slap hurt and with every words that came out of her mouth.

"WHAT ARE YOU? I THOUGHT I KNEW YOU? WAS I A TOY TO YOU? I HATE YOU; NO WONDER YOU DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND. BECAUSE THE GIRL WHO WILL FALL FOR YOU, IS AN IDIOT AND STUPID. I AM THAT GIRL, WHO THOUGHT I HAVE FOUND THE 'ONE'!" She shouted with tears shedding through her face, her eyes were getting red from too much crying. I couldn't take it anymore; she will never forgive me for as long as I live, and so I walked out of her room; leaving her hopeless and broken inside on the floor.

Just before I opened the door to leave, I stopped then said, "You have no idea how bad I feel right now, I don't deserve your forgiveness but I would do anything for it."

"Then, LOVE ME!" she cried out and I was both surprised and speechless. The only person I love is Vicky, but I'm the only person Mia loves and wants. I said I would do anything for her to forgive me, but loving her wasn't on my list for 'anything'.