still alive

The pain increases

My pain seemed to be getting worse at the thought of my mother. Tears have never been this much, but no matter how much tears that fell, it doesn't seem to be making me feel better.

I tried to find the strength in me to wipe them but failed. I sat there paralysed for what seemed like forever, nothing in my head but the picture of my mother.

'Pick up the phone; pick up the phone 'my phone rang, with the most annoying ringtone. Other times it would have been fun, after all that's why I put it in the first place, but right then wasn't other times. Finding the strength to wipe my tears, I rolled my eyes as if someone was annoying me.

The phone stopped ringing, and then there came a voice message saying, "Hello if this is Vicky please answer, you are the chosen one. Call back and we will talk more about it." Hearing the unfamiliar voice of a female and what she said I got curious.

I put my one hand on the floor and used the other on the tap table to support myself, I collapsed down from how weak my hand and legs were. Frowning at how my own body betrayed me
(after putting so much trust on them!), I stayed where I had fallen.

Bring my knees to meet my chest, and my head facing down, more tears fell. I was like a fallen angel, powerless and hopeless. My phone rang a second time with the annoying ring tone, 'pick up the phone; pick up the...'

Beep, the person hang up, not moving even a millimetre and ignoring the phone, I continued on with my hopeless self. I couldn't imagine what I was looking like at that moment.

Third time my phone rang, with frustration I surprisingly got the strength to stay up! That was until I took one step and was betrayed again!!!! 'Pick up the phone, pick up the phone', the annoying ring tone rang at the exact time I was betrayed by my legs. GROANING in pain at how frustrating it was, and my own eyes were not of use. Instead the tears from my eye fell more than an heavy rainfall after that second betrayal, maybe from the pain that it physically caused or maybe just the inside pain increasing.

There was a metallic taste in my mouth and my hands instantly made it way to my mouth. I coughed the taste out in my hand, other days I would have never done that, but like before that other days was not then, I couldn't care less at how gross it was.

My hands departed from my mouth to see what the taste was. Thanks to my watery eyes I couldn't see a thing, and I decided to stop them from flowing. Successfully stopping the tears, I wiped my eyes with my other hand that didn't have my salver and other mystical taste to clear my vision.

Looking down at what was on my hand my eyes widen, so many unanswered questions as to why that happened to me. There I was with blood mixed with my salver on my hand, thinking about it I taste blood. It wasn't any normal kind of blood you get from biting your tongue; this blood seemed to be increasing. My leg instantly stood up on it's on, and my hands made it way to the tap water.

My brain seemed to be slowly catching up every time my body move on it's on. 

Opening the cool water, it seemed to also cool me down as its washing my hands. I cupped my hand while the water is running. My cupped hands held some water and they went into my mouth, which I shake it there and pour it back on the tap. My mouth water fall into the hole in the middle of the bowl shaped tab. My tongue still felt blood, and I did the same method all over until there was no blood coming out. Drained by the amount of blood that was coming out non-stop I relaxed a little took a deep breath and then repeat the method.

When it finally decreased, my vision became blurry and there was a sharp shot in my heart, causing me to stumble back onto my tail bone.

 I yelped in pain that was caused by the falling and froze there like an ice.

It took me a good 15 minutes to recover, as I slowly recover from as ice froze me, as if someone was slowly heating me and I'm melting. The moment I fully recovered, my hand was in my mouth searching for any sign of cuts. I couldn't feel anything in my hand, frowning, and my tongue searched, without success felt nothing as well.

I stood up finding my strength again and for the first time that night, looked in the mirror that was connected to the tap. I was not surprised to see my puffy eyes even worse than puffy, with the red eyes that would scare anybody including myself. Slowly tears once again fell, and no one was there to wipe them as weak as I was I forced myself to wipe them.

I knew the tears would come out any time, because I have lost almost everything, I'm afraid to try and move on, afraid for what will happen to the 2 people left in my life. Some say history doesn't repeat itself but I say otherwise, because when I tried to move on from the past, it repeated.

I walked as slow as a snail to where my phone laid on the table, even though the my phone laid 2 meter from where I was crying my eyes out, it took me at least 4 minutes to walk there. With my heavy weight I took my phone on my hand, and it felt heavier than normal, and didn't want to know what might be the cause of it.

I saw 5 messages from Becky ignoring them I touched on the miss calls and it sent me to type my password. After finishing typing I called the number, they didn't answer, but then I tried and again and failed. The third and last time worked, feeling nervous for no reasons I wanted to hang up, but I didn't.

"Hello?" I asked please voice don't betray me please please, I thought.

"Hey! This must be Vicky right?" she answered with fading enthusiasm in her voice

"YUP! That's me!" I sarcastically said rolling my eyes to no one. Of cause you know who you're talking to get on with the point, I wanted to snap.

"Good, I'm sleepy right now you woke me up, there is something I was going to talk to you about but let's do it tomorrow are you alright with that?" she asked then came a big loud yawn from her.

Tomorrow aye, with the condition I'm in, it's impossible.