Love Lessons

Chapter Twenty Two: Feel Again

22| Cole

                Tyler and Jerry’s questions kept playing around in my head. I knew I felt something for Jess, I couldn’t deny that if I wanted to, but where did that leave us? What did I want with Jess? Did I want to become her boyfriend or did I want this fake relationship to end and act as if she had never mattered. No, I couldn’t do that, it would be wrong. Jess trusted me enough to talk about her past and it amazed me how she managed to get up every day after what she’s been through. Not to mention that she’s pretty much on her own because her father is overseas makes her even stronger.

                Tyler and Jerry were sitting on his bed watching a movie on his laptop while Jess and I were watching Despicable Me on the large flat screen. She was into it and laughing as the animated characters did something funny; but I couldn’t pay attention, all I thought about was Jess. Jess and her wild, gigantic hair and her big blue eyes and the way she always bit her lip when she was nervous or thinking deeply about something. The way her skin burns against mine or the way she fits perfectly curled into me or the way her head feels right against my chest. I already knew I was turning into a hopeless romantic, I just didn’t know what I wanted to do about it.

                Jess was going to go home with me for Thanksgiving break and I know that’s taking a big step. Sure, I had asked her because her father wasn’t coming home and I didn’t want her being alone. Now that she has told me about her past with her mother’s death and her struggles with depression, I would not let her be alone even if she was emotionally stable to be alone. I just had this need to try to take away her pain and protect her from all the bad shit in the world. Jess has already had shit thrown her way and she didn’t deserve any more of it.  She had my heart beating faster and I felt nervous in front of her, and I can say I’ve never been nervous in front of a girl. She makes me want to actually try being in a relationship and be serious, but the real question was, could I?

                She was right about me, when I felt that things were too deep or too much for me to handle, I pushed myself away so I wouldn’t get hurt, but I ended up hurting the other person. I didn’t want to do that to Jess, but I was worried I was going to without knowing it. I didn’t want her to leave my side, I wanted to curl up with her in bed and hear her laugh. All of these emotions hit me like a freight train and I had to excuse myself and say I had to run to the bathroom before I gave myself a panic attack. I walked up and down the empty halls to calm myself down.

                What if Jess didn’t like me? What if I had screwed things up with her too much and she wouldn’t give me a chance. I was bound to screw something up so why would I even try. I shook my head, trying to clear myself from these negative thoughts. I wasn’t going to end up like my mother, there was no way in hell that was happening. I already followed her example with many things and that was going to end. She was a bitter woman who blamed the world for her problems but she didn’t try to do something for herself. My family’s relationship was screwed up as it was and I doubted that one could be fixed. I wasn’t going to ruin it with Jess, I couldn’t let myself.

                When I calmed myself down, I walked back to the dorm to find Jerry curled into Tyler and Tyler stroking the back of his neck as they whispered to each other. A pain flew through my chest and I realized that’s what I wanted: to lay like that with Jess without this fake relationship being in the way. I wondered if she knew what she did to me, how she made me feel, and how she screwed up my thinking half the time. I wasn’t going to let her go, I was going to figure this out and see where it led us, because we both needed each other. I needed her, whether or not she realized that, I needed her and I was too damn selfish to let her go.

                “Cole, are you okay?” She asked me, her eyes filled with worry. I was taken out of my trance and swallowed the lump of nerves in my throat. I nodded and looked back at the screen, unsure of what was going on and really didn’t care to figure it out. All I kept thinking about was Jess; it was as if she couldn’t leave my mind.

                I was fucked.

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                “They look really happy.” Jess whispered as we lay in bed. Tyler and Jerry had passed out an hour ago, leaving Jess and I wide-awake and talking again. I looked over and saw Tyler lying on his back with Jerry curled into him with his head on Tyler’s chest. Tyler had his arm wrapped around him and Jerry’s other arm was holding Tyler’s chest. They both had peaceful smiles on their faces and for once looked as if they had no problems in the world.

                “About time.” I chuckled softly. I ran my thumb up in circles on her arm and she traced figures on my stomach once again.

                “I like this.” She smiled.

                “Like what?”

                “I like what we’re doing right now; I feel safe.” She shrugged, boring her eyes into mine. I swallowed nervously and wanted to just nod my head, but I promised myself I wouldn’t hide away from her.

                “I like lying here with you.” I admitted nervously.

                “You make it sound like a bad thing.” She laughed.

                “It’s not, it just scares me.”

                “Why?” She asked seriously.

                “I already told you that I’ve always screwed things up, but with you, I don’t know what I’m doing and I’m feeling all these things and it’s scaring the hell out of me.” I blurted out quickly. She sat up on her elbows and looked at me with a serious expression.

                “What do you mean?” She asked softly, biting her lip.

                “Everything I’ve done and known with girls is the complete opposite with you. We’re supposed to be in a fake relationship and it doesn’t even feel fake.” I sighed.

                “Oh.”

                “The thing is, I don’t know if I want it to be fake anymore.” I whispered nervously. “I don’t want to hurt you but I also don’t want to screw something up. You’re different and I liked it, I feel myself the most around you than I ever have and it’s just…I don’t know.” I could not stop the words from leaving my mouth but they were already out there, so I figured I could not just stop now, I might as well continue with my confessions.

                “What are you saying?” She asked quietly.

                “I want to do this for real.”