Way Wedding

Topaz and Questions

"Daddy, daddy, daddy." a swarm of little overjoyed voices came bounding down the beige carpeted stairs making me smile into my poor excuse of a cup of coffee as Gee would call it. He had always critizised the way I filled it with creamer and sugar. This thought made my smile grow further as I pulled my twin girls up into my lap, leaving miles a pouting mess at my feet. 

"And, what do my monsters want to do today?" I questioned reaching to boop his nose creating a chain of excited giggles. Their flood of answers making the room heighten quickly in sound. I was sure going to miss this when I went out on tour. The way they could turn any mood into a good one, and they way my children's smiles could make even the loudest voices in my head quiet. I still couldn't believe how big Lily and Cherry were getting, it seemed like just yesterday I was learning the news I was going to be a father; and then minutes ago that I held both of them for the first time. Then my Miles, all of the ways he was like me amazed me to no end. Pulling each of them closer I savored this moment. Although music was my ultimate calling and I wouldn't trade my career for a thing I hated leaving them. Furthermore, life as they knew it was going to take a hit pretty soon as daddy left mommy for uncle Gee. "Shit" I thought to myself as I tried to ignore the amount of therapy that could make my children need. I mean my parents got a divorce and the only thing I made out with was lifetime of angst, it could be worse. I mean I could be a serial killer. Frowning my lips into an upside down U of contemplation I tried to imagine myself as one. 

"Good morning my sunshines." Jamia sung intrupping my thoughts and causing 4 very bony knees to shimmy their way down my legs and toward their mother. I could tell Jamia had been crying and it broke my heart to see it. Her brown eyes were rimmed in red and tiny rimnets of the little makeup she had worn to the lawyers office yesterday were floating on her chin. My heart couldn't help but sink. I really wish I could have loved her, I really wished I didn't have to hurt her. Her eyes met mine making a my gut tense within itself, seeing her defeated expression was almost as bad as knowing I hurt Gee. 

"Hey kiddos, can you go get dressed for mommy. Make the craziest outfit you can find and the winner chooses where we go for breakfast." she smiled her mom smile patting Miles on the tush as he ran behind his sisters upstairs. Her hand tucked a chunk of her mousy brown hair behind her ear. I could still remember the first time I had met her. In thick clouds of smoke at one of Eyeball Record's parties. Back then that was the only party I wasn't too awkward to get into, so every other Friday and Saturday i'd load up in my then band's van and attempt to make myself socialize. That night the intake of alcohol and marijuana was higher than ever before and I remember standing against a wall a little too stoned for my own good and see this raven haired firecracker punch a 6 foot metal head for touching her ass.  Unfazed as if he was made of the innards of teddy bear she tucked a chunk of her black hair and left him holding his jaw. From that moment on I proceeded to follow her along with her gaggle of friends hoping i'd get the courage to at least say hello. However I cowered in the fear of my height and her right hook that had proved to even my red hazy eyes that she was hands down the prettiest girl at the party. Thankfully she had spotted my greasy existence and integrated herself into a conversation about my Iron Maiden shirt. Interrogating me to ensure I wasn't some poser but that I had heard not only their hits but what she called the world that laid in between of fragile anger. Wordlessly she walked toward me, and in that moment the fear of her right hook seemed even heavier than it had been that night. 

"I know a lot has been going on, but for intensive purposes you are my best friend and I could really use a hug." she blurted out with her voice choking into her throat like a bubble of tears. Guilt brimmed my eyes as I pulled her into my arms. For all intensive purposes she was right, we were best friends. Nine years of marriage, 3 children, and regardless of the lie that had resulted into this a lot of honesty; we had been through a lot. Pulling back as she felt my own tears on her shoulder she kissed my forehead. 

"I'm sorry." I breathed as for the first time we were actually recognizing the fact that our marriage was coming to an end. Jamia's maternal smile returned as if half of her had always hoped I would admit to myself that my heart had and always would belong to Gerard. Running her left hand under each of her eyes drying her tears she wiped her right thumb over mine as a moment of solace. 

"I win, I win!." Miles stormed into the room sporting a pair of Jamia's heels, my leather jacket, his monster pajamas, and a cowboy hat from his dress up closet. Followed closely by my other two eccentrically dressed children both Jamia and I fell into a hysterical laughing fit.  Our marriage may not have been done right but these three children would always be my greatest accomplishment, regardless of any magazine article, or award. Recovering from both our tender moment and the comical relief that our miracles had brought us, we pulled our coats on and headed to Topaz diner. A place that held a place in my heart for many reasons. It was where the boys and I had gone to celebrate getting signed to Eyeball records, where I had taken Jamia on our first date, and where I had eaten my last meal with my grandfather. Now it would be the last meal here as a family before we had some serious explaining to exercise. 

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We took our seats in the circular yellow booth. For some reason without fail this is where I ended up sitting each time I ate here; Whether I be alone, or with a group. Miles seated next to me his small head resting on my arm as if he was sleepy. Cherry and Lily sat chatting about some idea they had this year for our family halloween costume to Jamia and I couldn't help but have an overwhelming sense of anxiety. What if I wasn't around for next Halloween? Taking comfort in my son I ran my tattooed finger through his hair that was the same color as my natural color. The color of my grandfathers as well. It was the Iero color and I hoped he would live up to be half the man my grandfather was, considering I certainly hadn't been.

"Hey guys, daddy and I wanna talk to you about something." Jamia finally said reaching her hand to mine reassuringly. Miles arm wrapped around mine as Jamia's gentle voice explained everything. Her voice making sense of the fact that even though I wouldn't be her husband anymore I would still very much be their father. When she stopped speaking I felt as 6 small eyes looked upon me. All six of their eyes burning a hole into my heart, as Miles arms gripped tighter onto me. I was sure they had questions that I didn't have answers for and that alone made me sick to my stomach because I wanted to tell them everything they wanted to know because they deserved nothing less. I had always wished my father would have had the same attitude when it had come to my mother and his divorce.

A buzz vibrated the table beside me pulling me out of my confusion just as all six of my hazel eyed children's attention were pulled to the food being sat in front of them. Digging into their pancakes I pushed my hash browns around and met Jamia's eyes with my own. She seemed moderately pleased with how the conversation had gone, and perhaps if they were older they would have understood better. I wished in this moment I could have a picture of the way pancakes made each of them smile, as they didn't know the truth of why from now on I was their father only.   

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