Messages To Joe | J.S

{0093}

Saturday 2nd February 2019:

Kim was now sat, messing with my makeup, on my bed, in my room. She liked to do that; play with my makeup. And since I'd been unpacking my things, everything was everywhere and so I didn't mind if she made it any worse, because I couldn't tell. 'I'm not going to lecture you, because it's not what you need, but what you do need is to know what you want. As much as you think this boy is playing you, you're playing him too, unintentionally of course.'

'I know, but maybe we literally need a scream fest and then we'll be OK.'

'You mean another scream fest?' I rolled my eyes. 'Anyway, can we talk about my boy problems?' Nodding my head, I sat down next to her. I wasn't intending to spend the whole day at Joe's- because I hoped we'd just talk things out and leave it there- and I had some spare time. 'So, Sam-' right, my ex-boyfriend that I had so many problems with, yup, '-I sort of lied saying it was my problem, but it's yours too. He's told me how much he misses you, maybe you should give him a shot?'

'Are you crazy, Kim? No, no way, I'm not getting into a whirlpool with him again. And I've just lost one relation and now I'm trying to fix another.'

'Right, I get you. But maybe you should speak to him yourself.'

'I don't think I should, and if you'll excuse me, I need to get dressed and leave, Sam was but is now not my problem, and I have no responsibility to speak to him either, whether he misses me or not.' I grabbed my clothes and headed for the bathroom.

*

There was no doubt about it; I was nervous. Just as nervous as I always was walking to Joes, except, this time I had no idea what I was going to say. Why am I even meeting him again? It is going to end the same way they all do, badly. And even more so, it's going to put me right back in an awful position where I'm selfish again.

I told myself I was going to let Joe talk this time, let him explain, let him tell me things, let him shout at me, let him yell, shout, scream, cry- whatever it was, I was going to let him do it. It wasn't my time, it was his.

'Amber?' I snapped my head around to Joe who stood leant against the doorway, 'do you want to come inside?' The darn smirk welcomed me inside, I'm glad he hadn't questioned why I was stood in the doorway, or I may actually have snapped.

'Do you want a dr-'

'Let's not waste time Joe.'

'Right, sorry, what do you want to say?' We both sat at the table. Things were slowly making their way into boxes around the house, things like kitchen utensils (the less important ones, like eh whisks and the sieves an the spatulas) were all boys away or lined up on the counter ready to be. It was crazy, that the Jaspar pad was to be no more.

'You say something.'

'Me?'

'You.'

'Right,' he looked shocked, confused, but thankful. He looked thankful, and it actually felt as though we were making progress. 'I'm sorry.'

'Don't say that!' I yelled, calming myself down almost immediately afterwards, 'tell me something, yell, something, anything.'

Joe looked at me and down to the table, then back at me for a few moments, 'right, well I feel like I'm always doing something wrong, or hurting you, but then I don't know quite what I've done and we went up arguing.' He gulped, most likely waiting for me to butt in, but I didn't, I waited for him to carry on because I knew there would be more. 'And, all I do is I apologise and I tell you I like you but then you walk out and I don't know how that is doing something wrong? It's just that we've been through so much with eachother- even half way across the world, you basically made my entire channel for me- and we keep throwing it away and then trying to catch it in the wind but then we give up again and it just goes to nothing. You know? And no matter what happens I just want to make you happy, but I can't, and then you were actually happy with Harvey, and I fucked that up by just trying to help.' Joe's eyes were cold and dark, and his face was a little upset looking. I wanted to know exactly how he felt about it all, because I never knew he could care so much about it, about me. 'Sometimes, I'll think what it would be like if I hadn't texted you, or if I was with Courtney, and I think shit, I wouldn't live the life I do today, the life I really wanted, and that's not just because you made me start YouTube, because I was doing half of it for you. If I hadn't had you as my motive, I wouldn't be ThatcherJoe: the name or the entire personality. I'd be unhappy, Amber, and I'd wonder what I was meant to do in life or where to be because I'd be confused, lost. And sure, YouTube was a major bonus and it's benefited my life and me so so much but no, I'd give all that up in an instant for you- and that's no word of a lie. If you said to me you didn't want me to do it I'd give it up, I assure you that, although you may think I'm talking out of my arse, trust me, it's all one click away. You know when I saw you at my book tour? My heart stopped, it completely stopped for you. And if it hadn't been for the nine hundred and ninety nine other people there I would've kissed you and never stopped, because then, I would've realised how much I liked you and we wouldn't have fucked around as much as we have. I feel like you're going to get up and leave me here and in a few nights we'll argue, we will, of course we will, because it's us but then I want you to think about all of this again, with a clear head, because I love you. And even if you walk out of here, I'll love you.'

And I didn't exactly like he said, but for a completely different reason...