It's Death Or Victory // A Killjoy/MCR FanFic

Chapter 14 - Soon

"A drink for the horror that I'm in, for the good guys, and the bad guys, for the monsters that I've been.  Three cheers for tyranny, unapologetic apathy.  Cause there ain't no way that I'm coming back again." ~ Sleep

*do I even need to tell you about the video*

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I got no sleep for what remained of that night.  Or the next night.  Or the night after that.  Or even in the week following. And in the month following, despite the constant distractions of raids throughout the Zones, I felt worse than I had in a long time.

The events at the party just continued to replay in my head.  The words reverberated through my mind like a broken record.

"I'm in love with you."

That's what Party had said, while looking so heartbroken it hurt just to look at him.  And it was my fault.

Needless to say, choosing to go on patrol that day was not high on my list of great choices.  I was tired, distracted, and downright reckless at that point.  I blamed myself for Party's hurt, and for good reason, but using patrol as a distraction probably wasn't the safest decision I'd ever made in the Zones.

Not like anything was safe in the Zones.

Regardless, I needed to get away from everyone.  Even a glimpse of Party made my chest ache and my head spin with guilt.  Kobra wasn't much better, seeing as it was his older brother I was hurting.  And Ghoul's presence only seemed to make me more confused.

So I took off with Jet for Zone 2 Patrol.  We decided to split to make it harder for BLI to track us, but we stayed close enough to each other that we could help in a moment's notice if danger arose.  Jet took the Trans Am, speeding it down the Getaway Mile while I took the Zone Runner, a motorbike we nabbed from a Drac a while back and souped up for Killjoy use.

It was mid afternoon by the time I'd made my loop in the Zone.  The heat was beating down on the Earth, cooking the desert like a well done roast while us humans floundered in it.  I stopped along the side of the road, black helmet resting on the seat while I used the bike as shade, resting against it and gazing off towards the mountains.

Party used to draw those mountains all the time.  He said they were beautiful and a perfect art inspiration.  He always said that he drew the things he loved the most.  Now, knowing what I know, it makes sense that I was one of his favorite muses.  He always had sketches of me in his notebooks and would draw me doing nearly anything.  Sleeping, talking, laughing, shooting...  Always.

Why did it have to be like this?  Why did I have to hurt him?  After everything he's done for me, why couldn't I just reciprocate his feelings?  It wasn't fair to him.  I was the reason he was so heartbroken.

And I hated myself for it.

Fate was so cruel to us, it seemed. Couldn't we just catch a break?  Every time we turned around we were faced with another problem, another heartbreak, another loss.  Every night we listened to Dr. D name off the names of ghosted Killjoys.  And instead of feeling remorse for each name, we found ourselves sighing in relief because we didn't know those names.  But what happens when one, or many, of the names he lists are names we know, names we claim as friends?  We've lost so many, but when those names become names of friends, it breaks us even more.

What would happen if one of us were dusted? I wouldn't be able to live properly without any of them. They were my anchor, my driving force. We pushed each other constantly to be the best we could and supported each other through the worst. If I lost Party, or Jet, or Kobra... Or Ghoul... It would destroy me. It would destroy us. We would never be the same again.