love letters from ruby

19. ruby and buck on christmas

There are things I need to say:

When I take the guys out on patrol, it is just me and them. But believe this, Ruby, you come along. I sent you a package, haha, it has pictures of me and the guys. I wanted you to love me. I will always be vulnerable, I will want to love you and make you wet. You will just see me as a soldier. Ruby, I have no time, ask me, I will die for you, not the fucking government, for you! What happens if my dick doesn't work? and I want to kiss your breasts, will you let me? Maybe this will not happen, I would never want anyone to go down on this other than you. I have decided that It should be me that licks your venus mound. I am getting carried away.

Fuck Buck

i read your short letter buck, and all i can think is, were u frightened? were you drinking? what do you mean when you say i will just see you as a soldier? what does it mean? and when you say you will always be vulnerable? you seemed desperate to make me understand how you want to love me physically and to bring across to me how you would die for me. what will maybe not happen? i don't want you to die. please don't die. please be careful, buck. please. i become frantic when i think how possible it is that one of us may die before you come home to me. (my angstiness has left me, but sometimes it surfaces. maybe you notice...?) i started a letter for you a few weeks ago. here it is as i wrote it then (i added to it as time went by):

hi there buck

i'm as light as a feather and as happy as a lark. i hope this letter is like a parcel or a lucky packet (just so you know, lucky packets were my favourite childhood delight. my grandmother, who adored me and spoiled me rotten, would buy a box just for me - yes, a whole box - every time she came to visit from cape town!) and i hope this letter delights you as much as those surprises pleasured me. this is perhaps why i love gift wrap so and covering my school books; they looked like jewels!

i am so blessed and and the happiest woman on the face of the earth. wanna know why? i'll tell you!

you are my christmas and my christmas tree and my christmas gifts stacked under it, to high heaven. (my lucky packet! and guess what, buck, i'm your gift, i'm yours!)

you are my birthday, which comes after christmas and the gift i now know i received, of having met you in my life. the gift of you i got just because i was born! think of that. i get it every single day, every single hour, every single moment. until the day i die!

you are my valentine every day, every day! every minute of my life is filled with how you love me, but do you realize the gift is actually how you make me feel about you! that is what makes me happy, how i feel for loving you...because it makes me so happy, buck! i am all endorphins, every day and some days even more!

easter. i never feel like chocolate but dear heaven, i always feel like you. and i love eggs.

independence day? guess what? i don't want to be the hell independent! and anyway you make me independent because you make me strong.

guy fawkes, u are the biggest bang i have ever experienced, haha!

and i do not know thanksgiving that well, but i sure give thanks for having you, my love.

did i forget an event?

this to share with you

re·li·gion [ri-lij-uhn]   noun

a set of beliefs concerning the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe, especially when considered as the creation of a superhuman agency or agencies, usually involving devotional and ritual observances, and often containing a moral code governing the conduct of human affairs.

after years of not believing in that way, along you come into my life. and religion opens up to me so that i have to look in a dictionary to see what it literally means. you are god to me. more real. kinder. more tolerant. more caring. and much larger in my life and how easy it is to love you with all my heart. how easy it is to believe in what u do and how very easy it is to listen to what you have to say when you always speak with so much sense and love and respect. i know you would die for me if it really was useful, but here is the thing. there is no use at all. there is also no point in dying for me if i have to go on living by myself. i could, of course. it just seems very useless. and please don't be scared of what i want to say now (what are the chances of scaring you, anyway? zilch, i'm sure.) why can we not die together? i'm halfway serious here. now you will tell me we must live together, not think of dying together, i know. and that is good. but we have to die one day, right? just think about what i'm saying. just think about it, that's all i am asking you. we never have to talk about this until you want to (do you want to already?). you fear nothing and i admire you so very much.

i'm not writing you the good tidings, noel cheery christmas letter, am i? i want to say sorry about that but i would be lying. i am not. what we say to each other is more important than trying to make each other feel happy. happy for me is in your breath and the fact that you live. that is all, that makes me happy. the trimmings don't matter and i know you know what i mean. i'm not sure we could bear it if we were not parted. (now that is just bull shit, don't listen to me, i wish you were home already, even if we might consume each other) as far as your dick is concerned, i do love your essence more than your parts. i love your intelligence and common sense and wit, your soul and especially the way in which you love me, buck. the rest is a bonus. (i'm smiling.) we'll worry about that if we should need to, but believe me, it won't be a worry, so please relax, okay?

look at these words so that you can see their meaning and know they are for you. everything i write here i have thought through and i put on paper like one puts something on ice so it will keep until you can see them.

they are for you, another excercise from my poetry class.

it is an acrostic.

redo me for you undo me

undress me for these limbs are yours

blind me if my eyes should ever wander

yes is what my answer is to your question

love is what you serve to me and an

ocean of devotion i give to you

very much is my respect for you

enter my world all i have is yours

sing me to sleep for i love your voice

bring yourself nearer my love to me

underneath the radar is where we are

catch my words, my glances, my tomorrows

keep what i give, please, it is now yours too

i will never ever not love you and i can never tell you enough how much i do.

so, i love you, buck and i belong to you.

i am your gift this christmas.

i really am yours.

merry christmas

ruby

p.s. i know i'm often over the top, but i do mean every single word i have written to you.