Fall: A Chris Brown Story #Wattys2015

Chapter 4: Don't Judge Me

All day i've been thinking about how to tell Alexandria what happened. She's so forgiving & understanding that it's a shame. We've both talked about our pasts & she's been through shit I would've never guessed from how she is now. She's been in an abusive relationship & even when the nigga she was with put her in the hospital she still forgave him when he asked her for it. Now she's not stupid, she didn't take him back but she forgave him. Before that there was being raped from the age of 14- 16 by her brother's bestfriend. She forgave him after everytime he raped her. Her brother walked in on him raping her & now is doing time for killing him but he gets out in a couple of months. It was other stuff too but it's a lot... & I just don't want to think about it because it makes me feel worse. She doesn't deserve the shit that happened to her but she told me quote, unquote that "I don't feel any pity, self-blame, or like God hates me. I know that he loves me & gives his toughest battles to his toughest angels. So don't worry about my past, it's the past. Baby i'm a soldier so i'm straight". I'm so fucking proud of her for staying strong while I continue to fall apart like a little ass bitch here & there. Ugh, well shit it's now or never. Nigga there ain't a never. She's gonna find out so I might as well man up & just do the shit. Here goes nothing.

"What are you over-thinking about Christopher?", she asked frowning. I sighed, "Something I need to tell you babe", I responded. She's gone forgive me but she's probably not gone talk me no more. "Oh... K? Are you alright though?", she asked. I shook my head, "I can't do this shit", I mumbled jumping to my feet. She jumped up & grabbed me by my arm.

"Christopher? Tell me", she said trying to look me in the eyes but I wouldn't look at her. I'm a fuck up. "Christopher talk to me", she said raising her voice & I jerked away from her. "Stop running the fuck away Christopher!", she yelled. I ain't gone lie, the shit had me taken aback. She's always so calm & laid back but she just yelled at me.

"Tell me. You can't run from everything. At some point you're going to have to face it", she said calmly but I could hear the concern in her voice. She won't be concerned about me when I tell her I fucking had a 3-some with 2 hoes. Nah, fuck that. I can't tell her right now.

I started walking away from her but she said something that made me stop dead in my tracks. "It'a about the hoes huh?", she asked. I turned to look at her & she was looking at me with disgust clear as day on her face. "I'm sorry Alexandria. I swear I never meant to hurt you but I was drunk off the ass & I woke up in bed with 2 hoes", I responded. She nodded her head, "It's cool Christopher. I get it, but I wish you all the best", she said.

I took a step towards her, "Alexandria can we please start over?", I asked. She shook her head, "Nah, i'm good. Remember what I told you though", she responded. I shook my head, "See this is why I didn't wanna tell you, damn. I care a fucking lot about yo' ass Alexandria & I fucked up. I'm a fuck up ok! I just want another chance!", I said raising my voice at her.

"We can be friends but we can't be together. I care about you but us, we... not now. You got me wondering if the other shit the media has said about you is true too", she responded shaking her head. She just doesn't understand. I need her but she won't look passed the mistake I made. I know it's not like a spilling milk type of mistake but damn. She's judging me like every fucking body else.

"There you go judging me too! You're just like every fucking body else!", I snapped & she jumped. I know I startled her but at this point I don't give a fuck no more. "What? You think i'm a hit you? Yeah, that'll prove them right again, huh? I'm a fucking woman beater, I thought you knew? Remember, 'You got me wondering if the other shit the media has said about you is true too'? I thought you was different Alexandria!", I yelled at her pacing the floor in front of where she stood.

"I am different Christopher but you're overreacting. You're acting like I just told you I had fucked 2 niggas I don't know. You told me you fucked 2 hoes, you fucked up. Then you gone stand the fuck there & yell at me like i'm a fucking child talking about the media like the little ass pretty boy they make you out to be. The media, the media, the muthafucking media Chris! Grow the fuck up & stop running from shit!", she raised her voice at me.

"I'm not running from shit but I guess you don't fucking understand that shit", I said through clenched teeth. "Oh I fucking understand & I know Christopher", she responded glaring at me. I balled up my fists, "You don't know what it's like! You don't know the bullshit I deal with! You don't know shit!", I yelled getting in her face. "Then fucking tell me what's it like!", she yelled back standing on her tiptoes. I shook my head seeing nothing but red meaning I had to get out of there. I left without so much as a glance her way. She called my name repeatedly but I just ignored her.

She followed me calling my name so I jogged to my car. I don't want to argue with her no more. I don't want to breakdown in front of her. I hit the unlock button on my keypad & hopped in my car. I had just got in when she got in the passenger seat. Why won't she just leave me alone?

"Alexandria get out my car", I said as calmly as I could but of coarse I had an edge to my voice. "I'm not getting out until you talk to me", she responded turning her body so she'd be facing towards me. I got out the car & started walking away. She got out & ran up around me blocking the way. Sure I could've pushed her out the way or tried going around but she would've blocked my way again so that shit was pointless.

I sighed severely frustrated, "Why won't you just leave me the fuck alone?", I snapped. She looked like she wanted to cry, "I've been hurt a lot but I never let the shit bring me down Christopher. I won't leave you alone because I know that you need someone. I can tell but you won't fucking talk to anyone. I just want to help", she responded as a tear rolled down her face.

I shook my head. Why does she still want to help me 'n' shit? See this the shit that I meant by she's so forgiving & understanding that it's a shame. I can't do this shit. I can't, I can't be a burden to her. She's already been through far worse shit than me & probably still goes through shit every now & then but doesn't say anything. Why can't I be as strong as her?

"Don't cry Christopher", she whispered hugging me bringing me out of my thoughts. Cry? I'm no... shit, i'm crying. She hugged me tighter but I didn't hug her back. I just stood there letting her hug me thinking about how I don't deserve her. She stood on her tiptoes & kissed me on the cheek.

I looked down at her shaking my head before pushing her off me & going to get in my car. When I got in the car I locked the doors so she couldn't get in. She started beating on my window, "Chris, don't! Talk to me please!?", she pleaded. "I'm sorry Alexandria", I mumbled before starting up my car & speeding off. I know she just wants to help but I don't want to burden her or anyone with my petty ass problems.

So I went home to try to cheer myself up with my bestfriend & her homie, alcohol. I got faded & wasted, tore the fuck down. Even then I still felt the same fucking way so I flipped out & started breaking shit. I grunted, "I'm so fucking tired!", I broke my glass end tables, "Every fucking body judging me!", throws vase against the wall, "Don't nobody gives a fuck about my feelings or", throws lamp against wall, "me!", I yelled breaking the TV. Stupidass, fucking up your house ain't gone change shit. Ugh!

My doorbell rung but I didn't move. I just stood there in the middle of my  living room panting. I don't know why I was panting but I was out of breath. My doorbell rung again shortly followed by knocking on my door. I sighed & went opened the door. When I opened the door there stood before me was...