What We Once Were | ✔

24 | Heather

My grandma lay in the bed, tubes ran in her nose as needles poked in her thin skin.

The stroke hurt her so bad, this time the doctors say she won't get up, that this it it. That the best thing to do is make her comfortable because she's too delicate.

I didn't want her to leave, not with her memory of me barely there, I want grandma to be better but I knew that with the days passing by, she got worse.

"Grandma... Please..." I whispered, her hand felt so cold in mine.

Mom and dad sat in the waiting room, I've never seen mom cry so bad until now and dad with such concern, I've always thought they didn't really care but they've always have; they just hid it.

Joseph left, he wanted to stay so bad but I made him leave, I couldn't put him through this again.

"Grandma, I'm sorry I left." I said, her eyes were closed. "I'm sorry....."

My head rested on the edge of the hospital bed, my heart choked with each beat, with each thought of knowing that grandma wouldn't make it.

"Heather......" A voice whispered.

My head shot up, grandma's eyes were open and looking at me, "grandma!"

"Heather, I'm sorry." She choked out it through shallow breaths.

I shook my head, "grandma, there's nothing to be sorry about, you'll be fine."

The warmth in her hand was completely gone, "no..."

"What?"

"I'm sorry I forgot about you," she gasped, "God gave you back to me."

My eyebrows drew together, God? How could He let this happen to her? She's been nothing but faithful to him and He let this happen?

"Why is God letting this happen?" I looked up, "to you?"

"Heather, God doesn't want it to, this is what happens." Her eyes grew dim, "you die."

I choked on tears as she grew further away, no matter how hard I wanted I knew she was right. God didn't do this, He never wanted it to, it is just what happens; you die.

"I-I know.....I just don't want you to...." I cried holding her cold hand tightly, my chest burned, but why did it have to be now?

"Don't hate this town, don't hate my death," grandma smiled weakly, her face grew pale. "I don't want you to live with hate."

"I won't...." I replied slowly, tears slipped from eyes falling down my cheeks.

"I love you, Heather, I love you so much." Her voice was raspy as her eyes closed, her chest slowly stopped rising as her life slipped from her body. God.....no.....

"No!" I screamed, my grip on her hand tightened, my head pounded with each breath I took.

I couldn't feel any pain or sorrow although my brain knew it was there, it was so new to me I couldn't get the right feeling. My legs staggered as I stood myself up, heh, even my body wasn't right. I pulled my hand from hers letting it fall to down, I stepped back as doctors ran in surrounding her. I can't think right, I can't imagine what it will be like in the next week or month, will I ever move on? Past all the memories so we don't cry everyday? I remembered what Joseph and August were like, so empty but now so normal, will I be like that?

My knees shook, I seriously...I can't...my breath caught in my throat, I can't handle this. I can't, the silence, the beeping of the machines, I can't handle this.

Mom wrapped her arms around me, her forehead rested on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry...." She whispered gulping cries, we held each other hoping it would end now, a pause came before shuffling and the wrinkling of curtains, dad stood behind us. I stared at the bags under his eyes, his cracked lips, and the red swollen eyes, my dad looked like an entirely different person. He was always so cheerful, now he looked so hurt.

"Heather, I'm sorry." He whispered pulling mom and I into his arms.

"It's okay...." I replied weakly.

My eyes stared at grandma's face, it was so calm, my heart hurt so much but I have to keep it in, someone has to be strong in this, I bit my tongue pulling tight on mom and dad. Someone has to protect them, tears slipped from my eyes falling to the floor, I have to do it. They were so hurt, I can't let this happen.

"She's gone...." Mom whispered, I nodded holding her.

I watched my mom gulp down her tears, she stood up trying to be strong for us. The room was quiet now but the world still moved like would move on.

"I know but we'll be okay." I said, I remembered what grandma said to me before she died, "we'll be fine."

An hour later we were home, no one spoke as we sat around the table, a cup of coffee in our hands. Mom stared numbly at the cup, dad held her hand while he tried to figure out what to do. I looked past them to the window, the sky was filled with clouds and light, somewhere up there was God looking down on us, watching us, and I knew: He was protecting us. For what I said earlier, I was just angry that grandma was leaving, but now I knew she was in better place, with the sickness gone.

"Grandma told me not to live with hate." I said suddenly, I looked to dad and mom.

"What?" Mom whispered.

"Don't be angry, I know she is gone but she's......" I paused, "with God."

"God?" She asked pushing away her cup, I nodded knowing that mom was never comfortable talking about Him.

"I'm not angry with God...." She replied, "I'm angry with myself, I spent too much time with work than her."

"We all did." Dad sighed, "but we loved her, I think that's all we need to know right now."

The bad things that I remembered I pushed them away, I knew it was all wrong and but now I wanted to be stronger for myself as well as my family that needed me so bad right now. I can't hate where I came from because it's where all my good memories are from, I closed my eyes, that's what Joseph and my grandma were trying to tell me.

I closed my eyes.

We'll all be fine.