What We Once Were | ✔

6 | August

He was right and I was wrong.

That's all there is to it but my mind throws a fit that I gave into it.

I had to quite letting myself sink further into tears because it hurt him to watch, for Joseph, I'll try to change with a new start. I'll do it, I'll make friends, I'll smile and maybe laugh like nothing happened because that's what you do. You move on for your family. I need to move on because Joseph needs me to, he needs me....I need him.

School had come, Joseph and I finally came to our last year before life would hurt us more, like it already has.

But right now Joseph and I sat on the floor in my new room, looking over the class schedules mom got from the school. We both picked the same classes to be with one another, I know it sounds weird but right now I don't think I can survive a building of strangers by myself.

"English 12 second hour," Joseph said examining the paper.

I held the crinkled paper in my hand, my nose cringed at some of the classroom s I was taking. Civics, Health, things I had put off my tenth grade year. I looked up to Joseph who cringed the same as I did.

"Why did we choose these?" He asked, I gave a shrug putting the paper down.

"To be together I guess," I laid down on the floor, "why else?"

He laid down beside me frustrated with the map of the school and schedule, the floor boards creaked under his weight.

"Yeah, together." He breathed.

I rolled my head looking Joseph, "not forever."

He looked at me confused. "Why?"

I closed my eyes, "because we'll grow up, move away."

Joseph laughed grabbing my hand, I squeezed back chuckling.

"I never imagined that, we've always been together."

We have but I knew we'd split, have different homes and families, I knew it but I never thought about it. I've always had Joseph, we're twins, I smiled softly to myself, we're sort of the same.

"Yeah, I know, but you knew didn't you?" I asked him, after a slight pause his smile went away replaced with a frown.

"I did but I know-" his eyes crinkled as he smiled softly, "-I'm not the only one who tries to forget the bad things, right?"

I gulped, he always knows what I'm thinking. I sat up pulling my hand from his, picking up the papers I handed him his and stuck mine roughly in my bag.

"That's how you move on." I declared.

I heard him stand, the boards creaking I'm under his weight. "Its always how you forget the good things."

I spun on my heel, "if I remember the good too, I remember how he isn't here anymore," my eyes looked up to Joseph. "How will that help me?"

The air went still as neither of spoke but eyes never left. Joseph's kind eyes were trying tell me that it was alright but I couldn't believe it. I couldn't find anything good from it, a new start wouldn't change what happened but it does bring another chance to forget it and yet Joseph is telling me not to?

"What are saying?" I whispered, "let all the bad things stay? Why?"

He pulled me into his arms, he kissed my head holding me.

"Because that's how we grow, believe it or not but the bad things?" He pulled away looking me in the eyes, "we need to remember them."

Joseph, I don't think I understand.

°•°•°•°•°

The day had come and gone, the last day of summer break and the last day I was hurting. I know what Joseph said but I can't bring myself to understand. I was numb to it all but just like Mom, I can feel again. So many things I've done this summer and so many things I wish I couldn't stopped but that's life, we move on. The only thing I wish I hadn't done was cut my hair so short, barely past my ears but I looked more like Joseph save my smaller figure. The night before school had come, I was scared, it was normal for me to be scared, a town full of strangers could be the worst thing for someone.

I can't worry, I can't let myself slip down like that again. What would it do? Hurt Joseph more? I can't do that.

I pulled my covers up to my chin, the room was dark and it still smelled like dust even though that reality lady and her daughter aired it out before we moved in. Dust and salt, that's all I smelled.

"Start over." I whispered to the empty room. I squeezed my eyes shut, don't let yourself remember.

My bottom lip trembled, don't remember, my eyes grew salty just like the sea. Why is everything so salty? I wiped my eyes gulping down screams, its far too late this time, I'm gonna break. I didn't scream but I couldn't stop myself from screaming it all in my head. Its too late, I can't help it. I thought I was doing good, I thought I could forget.

I want to hide from it all.

"Let me forget, God." I pleaded, "I don't want to feel like this.........please."

My heart wrenched in my chest like it was about to break, my head hurt, I couldn't breath. I couldn't feel. I rolled over to face the window, the curtains were drawn back revealing the night sky. My breath froze. Was the sky always like that? No, it wasn't, being in the middle if the woods with no lights......you can see all the lights. Away from the memories..... I might see the happiness.

I think that's hope.