Truly, Madly, Deeply: A Dark Louis Tomlinson Fan Fiction

Chapter 39: Story of My Life

"I should probably get going." I told Ryder. "If that's okay."

"It's not up to me to tell you what to do." Ryder said. "Only offer my opinion on whether or not it's a good decision. But if you really want to leave, why don't I drive you home? You can drop off whoever's car that is you're driving and i'll take you back to your house."

"Thanks but no thanks. I don't really want to spend any unnecessary time with you." I replied, perhaps a bit too harshly.

"Hey, i'm on your side." Ryder said defensively. "I'm pretty much the only person who is if i'm not mistaken."

"Don't act as if we're friends, Ryder. I may not have many of those right now, but you certainly aren't one. You can take me home, but only because I don't have any other way of getting there." I bitterly admitted.

Ryder looked pained. "Louis and I aren't so different, you know. Shitty alcoholic fathers, doing whatever it takes just to scrape by, sniffing anything that will make us forget just how much we actually hate ourselves. How come it's so easy for you to love him, but so easy for you to hate me?"

"How could I possibly love someone who doesn't know how to love?" I whispered, beginning to feel uncomfortable. I was used to Ryder being intimidatingly closed off, not suddenly and randomly vulnerable.

"Maybe I just need someone to teach me how." He said softly, almost so much so that I didn't hear him. He started walking towards the exit, holding the door open for me. I allowed myself to give him a small smile in thanks.

"I'll follow you there." Ryder called as headed towards his black Range Rover, which was parked just a couple cars behind Perrie's Mini Cooper. I nodded, giving him a curt wave as I unlocked the door and climbed into the driver's seat.

I sighed as I turned onto the freeway, exhaustion suddenly hitting me like I had been hit by a Mac Truck. I could barely keep my eyes open as I drove back towards Coral Gables, wanting nothing more than to be in bed, Louis' arms wrapped around me, just like the way things used to be. It was almost impossible for me to accept that those days were done now, that I would never get to feel the warmth of his hand in mine or push his almost time for a trim length fringe out of those beautiful eyes. When I had thought of me and him, I had thought of forever. I never would have dreamed that there would come a day when he would no longer be the first thing I thought of in the morning and the last thing I thought of night. I felt a dull, throbbing pain in my chest, so overcome with frustration that tears started welling up in my eyes. Why did he have to go and ruin everything? It was almost as if he had driven me straight into Niall's arms, as if he had wanted this happened. Angrily, I slammed my fist against the steering wheel, causing the horn to blare. I wanted to hate him, I really did. He had caused me nothing but agony, nothing but misery, yet I was so all consumingly in love with him that I had begun to despise myself the way I wanted to despise him.

I pulled into Perrie's driveway and cut the ignition, Ryder parking on the street behind me. "Stay in the car!" I called to him as he begun to open the door and start climbing out. If Perrie saw him there was no way she would let me go anywhere with him, not after all I had told her this morning. It would be best if I didn't see her at all actually. I would just leave the keys on the table in the foyer and have Ryder take me home to my Bed Fortress.

My phone began buzzing in my pocket, and I pulled it out just to check who it was, even though I was under no circumstances planning on talking to them. Niall's handsome face filled the screen, a picture I now couldn't even remember taking of him. It was crazy to me how I could recall every single second that Louis and I had ever spent together, but not with Niall. I guess that I had spent so much time with him that I started regarding making memories a chore. I wish that I had known that this was going to happen, that everything was going to change and I would lose him again. Maybe I would have appreciated him more, the way I now realized I had appreciated Louis.

I pressed answer, knowing I would regret it as soon as I heard his soft voice coming from the other end.

"Hello?" I asked, trying my hardest to not sound as fatigued as I felt.

"Stella, love, it's Nialler. I just wanted to see how you were doing." He said, an intense earnesty in his tone.

"Oh, hi Niall." I forced, trying to keep the conversation as casual as possible. The last thing I wanted was for Niall to know how much of a wreck I was, then show up trying to play hero or worse get Asher involved. "Yeah, i'm okay."

"You don't sound like it. Maybe I could come pick you up and take you to brunch?" He asked, almost a little to eagerly. It's not that I didn't want to see him, I just didn't want to see him right now. I obviously couldn't avoid him forever, I had a feeling that as long as I lived he would be a part of my life, but not when I was still in mourning. Not when I would have to look at the bruises Louis had left on his body and think about how they matched the ones he had left on my heart.

"Niall..." I sighed. "I don't think that's such a good idea right now."

"Why not?" He urged, his tone suddenly panicked. "Baby, you need to let me take care of you."

"I just need some time." I replied. "There's a lot of stuff I need to take care of, and that I need to think through."

"So you'll let me fuck you without a second thought but going to lunch requires deep philosophical thinking?"

I blinked a couple times, removing the phone from my ear and staring at it, not sure I had heard him properly. All of a sudden I felt nauseous, absolutely sick to my stomach. His words had left me so speechless that if he hadn't started talking again, I don't think I would have ever been able to reply.

"I didn't... Stella I didn't mean that." He had begun to correct himself, but the damage was already done.

"Louis was right. Niall Horan's cum dumpster, that's all anyone thinks I am, including you." I said, my voice wavering slightly as tears pooled in my eyes.

"No! I don't think that at all! I love you more than the air that I breathe, you're my entire world, it just slipped out." He rambled, but I didn't want to hear it. I was so fucking tired of listening to people spoonfeed me bullshit when their words were just as empty as them themselves.

"I have to go." I cut him off. "I'll see you in school tomorrow."

With that I hung up, my phone slipping from my hand and clattering onto the table. I hastily began wiping away my tears, frustrated at myself for being so weak. I wanted these people, these people that I gave my everything and anything too to mean as little to me as I did to them. But I kept giving them second chances, letting them back in, hoping history wouldn't repeat itself. But it always did. I would never have a relationship with Niall that lasted longer than sunrise the morning after, that I sure of. So why did a part of me want to forgive him, even after everything he had put me through? I knew that the answer was that I needed something, anything to fill the void that Louis had left behind, but I wasn't ready to acknowledge it yet.

I hadn't even noticed that Perrie had appeared, and had placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder. "You talked to him, didn't you? Niall."

I nodded, sniffling. "How much did you hear?"

"Enough to know I was right in telling you to stay away from him. What did you expect to gain from talking to him Stel? He's obviously not in a good place right now, I mean, you did sleep with him then completely blow him off. He's going to want you to feel as shitty as he does." She told me, an icy seriousness in her eyes.

"So you're saying this is my fault?" I sobbed, her hand suddenly feeling like a 50 pound weight dragging me down.

"I'm not saying that at all! Niall manipulated you and took advantage of you, and I could kill him for it. Louis, well what he did was unforgivable. But everyone made mistakes last night, and that's okay, no one's perfect!" She said cautiously. "Stel, i'm just trying to help you see where Niall is coming from."

I still felt as if I was going to throw up my Frappucino. "I have to go." I forced, turning towards the door. "See you tomorrow."

"Stella, wait!" Perrie objected, grabbing my arm. "I wasn't trying to-"

But she was cut off my the sound of the door opening, Ryder's tall statute filling the frame. "Angel, I haven't got all day to wait around for you. Are you coming or not?"

"Yeah, i'm coming." I sighed. "Bye Perrie."

I made a motion to move, but Perrie's grip on my arm tightened. "She's not going anywhere. Not with you."

A puzzled look crossed Ryder's face. "I don't believe we've had the pleasure of meeting."

"Ryder, this is Perrie. Perrie, Ryder." I introduced, still trying to pry my forearm from Perrie's fist.

"Ohhh." Ryder nodded, a look of familiarity clouding his features. "You're the guard dog."

"Excuse me?!" Perrie asked angrily. "With homicidal maniacs like you running around, it's no wonder Stella needs someone to look after her!"

"I would never lay a finger on your precious little Stella, okay? It's not her i'm after." Ryder stepped forward menacingly. "She's done he job, i'm just taking her home."

Perrie glared. "Fine. But if you do anything to her, anything at all-"

"Yeah yeah, cool your shit blondie. Now, can we hurry this up? I have some business to attend too."

"Does it have to do with Louis?" I blurted, automatically wishing I could take the words back as soon as I asked them. I wasn't supposed to care about him anymore.

Ryder shook his head. "I already spoke with Tommo. Don't worry, I won't harm a hair on his annoying quiffed head. I think you've done a well enough job on him already."

I choked back tears as Perrie finally released her hold on my arm, taking baby steps towards Ryder. In a move that shocked me, he held out a hand for me to take. I stared at it, my jaw dropping.

"I don't bite Stella." He rolled his eyes. "I just don't want you falling over and killing yourself after everything you've sacrificed to keep yourself alive."

I slipped my hand into his, our fingers entwining. Ryder's hand was cold an uninviting, having none of the familiarity Louis' or Niall's did. But it was the only hand i'd be holding for a while.

I waved goodbye to Perrie, allowing Ryder to lead me down the front steps towards the car. He opened the passenger door for me and I climbed in, the black leather cool against my bare legs. I shivered as I buckled myself in.

"Are you cold?" Ryder asked as he turned onto the road.

"Just a little." I admitted, not sure my shivering really even had anything to do with the temperature.

Ryder reached out a hand and I flinched, but all he did was turn up the heater.

"Stop being scared." He demanded, his aquamarine eyes baring into me.

"That's a lot of you to ask from me." I replied, reaching into my pocket for my phone. If I was going to be alone with Ryder, I at least needed some connection to the outside world. But the thin white rectangle wasn't in my pocket.

"Shit!" I exclaimed. "I left my phone at Perrie's."

Ryder sighed. "Do you want to go back for it?"

I nodded guiltily. "I need it."

Ryder just shook his head. "He won't call."

"I know." I whispered, even though that was exactly what i'd been hoping.

Ryder did a u turn and we headed in silence back to Perrie's, the sky turning a murky shade of grey. I would just run in and grab my phone before the rain started.

When we got to the Edwards' house, there were two cars parked in front of it that hadn't been there before: a Porsche and a Gelandewagon. My heart started thudding in my chest. This was not good, not at all.

Louis, Niall and Perrie were standing in the yard, yelling at one another. All of them looked absolutely worse for wear. Louis's heavily tattooed arms were littered with nasty black and blue bruises and his eyes were red and bloodshot, as if he hadn't slept in a week. Niall had a black eye as well as a bruise on his jaw, but he was in a hoodie and sweatpants so I couldn't really tell the extent of his injuries. Perrie looked as if she wanted to murder them both with her bare hands.

"Stay here, I mean it!" I told Ryder, practically catapulting myself out of the car and sprinting across the lawn.

"Stella, what are you doing here?" Perrie asked, shooting me a warning glance. The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife.

"I left my phone inside." I informed her, looking from Niall to Louis and back again. "What's going on here?"

"Stella, I think you should leave." Niall said gruffly, glaring at Louis. "Now."

"You're all leaving now!" Perrie said. "I swear to God if you two get in one more fight on my property i'll call the police."

"Maybe we should take it elsewhere then." Louis whispered huskily, glaring at Niall with bloodshot eyes.

"No fucking way Tomlinson, we agreed we'd settle this right here, right now. You fucked up everything, and now you're going to pay for it." Niall said angrily, his hand balling up into a fist.

"I fucked up everything? Really Horan? Because you're the one who went and fucked my girlfriend the second you had the chance!" Louis yelled, pushing his fringe out of his face.

"You cheated on her you prick! You made out with the girl who made her life a living hell for years and think that you're the victim?"

"Maybe if any of you would give me a chance to fucking explain you'd see it isn't my fucking fault! I can't remember anything! Why I was with Eleanor, how I got into that room, all I remember is walking in on you with Stella." Louis insisted, looking as if it was taking all the self control he had not to kill Niall.

"Yeah we know, you're a drug addicted alcoholic. Not our fault you can't remember anything you've done." Niall said under his breath.

"You know what Horan, go fuck yourself!" Louis took a step forward. "If i'm such a drug addicted alcoholic, do you honestly think a few drinks would get me fucked up to the point I couldn't remember anything?"

"I wouldn't fucking know, would I Tomlinson?" Niall snarled.

"No, Niall. You wouldn't know would you?" Louis whispered. "You wouldn't know what it's like to meet someone and fall in love with them the second you do. You wouldn't know what it's like to be able to recall at the drop of a hat the feel of your hand in their hand, your lips on their lips, and know that someday those memories are going all that you have. To see them looking at another person the way you would kill to have them look at you, but they don't even notice you're there. That's what i've had to deal with every single day since you decided you were ready to come back into Stella's life. Sure, there may be a part of her that loves me too, but at the end of the day i'm the one who's going to have to deal with the fact that I did something wrong, and i'm going to spend the rest of my life wondering why I wasn't good enough."

It felt as if the earth had fallen out from underneath my feet. "Oh Louis." I whispered, the words slipping out.

"Aww, why don't I bust out the world's tiniest violin?" A voice came from behind us. We all turned around simultaneously, taking in the intruder. It was Ryder of course, who couldn't seem to follow instructions to save his life.

"I told you to stay in the car!" I yelled, shooting him daggers.

"Stella, what are you doing with him?!" Asked Niall. "are you trying to get yourself killed?"

"Don't get your knickers in a twist Horan. I promised you I wouldn't hurt her, didn't I?" Ryder sneered.

My throat constricted. "What do you mean you promised him?"

An overjoyed expression crossed Ryder's face. "He didn't tell you?"

"Tell me what? Niall, what is he talking about?" I asked urgently.

Niall looked panicked. "Oh, I, um."

"Your fuck buddy over here has been working with me and Queen Eleanor to break you two up for weeks. I knew you'd be too weak to do it on your own so I thought i'd get you a little help. Last night went exactly as planned. I couldn't have pulled it off if Niall here wasn't such a good actor, they should give this kid an Oscar." Ryder smirked.

The pain in my chest was so bad it was like someone had lit my lungs on fire. "Please tell me this isn't true Niall." I begged of him, but from the look on his face I knew it was the truth. I could feel bile rising in my throat.

"You and Eleanor planned this. You tricked me into sleeping with you." I was saying the words more than myself than to him.

"Stella, I only did it because I love you!" Niall said, reaching out a hand, but I flinched away.

"You're disgusting." I said, tears pooling in my eyes. "You don't love me. You just couldn't stand the idea of me being happy without you."

"Stella, no! It's Louis that doesn't love you, I was trying to protect you from him!" Niall insisted.

"You're right, Niall." Louis said suddenly. "I don't love Stella, not any more. But I did. I loved her more than I love life itself. You took that away from both of us. Now you don't have her, and she doesn't have anyone."

He turned and started walking away, but I couldn't let him get away. Not again.

"No!" I ran after him. "Louis, don't you see, this is all a misunderstanding! We can fix this!"

He shook is head, his fringe obscuring his face. But when he looked up, I could see tears in his red rimmed eyes. I took a sharp intake of breath, trying not to start sobbing myself.

"Stella, i'm sorry. And I want you to know that I loved you. That a part of me, it always will. But sometimes it's better just to let go than to just keep trying to hold onto nothing." He whispered. "But I can't be with you anymore. Not when the memories I have with you are always going to be better than the actual reality we're living in."

"We can make new ones. New memories. A new beginning, just you and me. Please." I whispered through my tears. "I'll do anything. It's you Louis, it always has, it always will be. I love you."

He shook his head, tears streaming down his own cheeks. "For a while, with you, it was like time was frozen. But love, it isn't infinite Stella. You spend it and spend it until you're broken inside. Then there's nothing left but to move on."

"How can you stand here and say this to me? After everything we've been through, after the things we did together, you're just going to pretend it never happened. Thanks for the memories, for giving me all you had on the inside, for giving me things you would never imagine giving to anyone else, but it's over now? How could you possibly think that this is okay?!" I sobbed. "Do you even care how I feel about you?"

"You'll find someone who'll make you happy. But it's not going to be me. Goodbye Stella." Was his reply, before he turned around and started walking back towards his car. This time I didn't even bother trying to stop him. Running after him was like chasing the clouds. I could run and run and run until my legs gave out on me, but all he would ever do was keep slipping through my fingers and drifting away. I could cry a sea full of tears, spend days thinking about what went wrong, try and fall in love with every other guy in the world, but in the end I was going to have to learn how to live life without him, and that was a fact.

"Goodbye Louis." I said softly, allowing one last tear to slip down my cheek.

It's well known by everyone we can't help who we fall in love with. Maybe it's something about the crinkles by the eyes when they smile, or the way they looked at you the first time you met, or the way you felt when they held you in your arms. Maybe it's the way the sound of their name alone is enough to get you through days of not even seeing them in person. The way they have the ability to make you the happiest person in the world or completely break your heart in a matter of seconds. But the thing is, with people like this, there are no second chances, and once they're gone, they're gone for good.

They say the ones we love never truly leave us. But they always do. And there's nothing you can do but say goodbye, and wish that maybe, just maybe, they'll try to find some way to come back.