How to Say 사랑해 Out Loud

Chapter 27

Sehun is done with me.

He's made his point and spoken his mind. For the rest of the week, he doesn't seem to be changing it, either. He doesn't talk to me and goes all out to aviod me, or at least it seems like it. He's super busy, anyway - the playground opens on Saturday - and he have a lot on his mind besides me and my stupidity. Then he's absent on Friday, making last minute preparations at the playground.

When I see Jiyoung at practice, I consider the irony. Despite the differences between us, we both ended up in the same boat - without Sehun.

But I had a choice. He gave me one. If she hadn't threatened me . . . if I'd been prepared to hear him say the words out loud . . . if I could have, just for once, been brave . . .

Not that it matters now. Sehun is done with me. My fear cost me everything.

Between Sangmoon striping incident on Monday, my fight with Krystal on Tuesday, my numerous encounters with Jiyoung, and the parking lot incident with Sehun, I am completely worn out by Thursday. I finish out the week in a fog, crawling to the finish line to Friday. I only half concentrate in class and barely talk.

At least Krystal is speaking to me again, but just barely. Her eyes remain cold, our exchanges are formal, and I still don't know what will come of our friendship.

I pass on Sulli's invite to ride along with her and Krystal to the football game. A car ride with Krystal doesn't sound fun. And I don't even want to think about how it would feel to sit in the benches and watch Sehun on the field.

It would hurt to look at him. It hurts even to think about him right now.

Everything Sehun said was true. Even more than it hurts to think about Sehun, it hurts to think about myself - what I've let go because I'm weak, scared, and not brave. Because I don't want to hurt any mroe than I have to.

As I drive home on Friday, something startling occurs to me. No one had made a big deal about Sangmoon being my brother. Maybe Jiyoung didn't spread the news too far, either because Sehun ask her not to or because the breakup stole her attention.

But it's obvious some people know, and that word is slowly getting around school, because a few of my classmates have talk to me about it. Their reaction is underwhelming. Mostly they just ask me some questions and than change the subject. A few express compassion - "That must be really hard." No one is treating me any different, though. It doesn't feel like elementary school all over again. Maybe that's because it isn't.

I'm starting to feel like an idiot.

Really stupid.

I'm not sure why things are so much different now than they were when Sangmoon and I were younger. Maybe autism awareness movement, all those ribbons with the colorful puzzle pieces, has beenmore effective in promoting understanding than I give credit for. Perhaps everyone's a little more mature, or the kids at my new school are different from the kids at my old school. Perhaps everyone is just too busy with their own lives to be all that concerned with mine. Maybe I'm the only one with the thoughts on Sangmoon.

Maybe not all of us are stick back in elementary school.

But I never considered that it could be like this, that the only person who'd make a big deal out of Sangmoon being my brother would be . . . . me.

This realization hits me, leaving me exhausted than ever. I'm having trouble looking at myself in the mirror.

So when my mom mentions that her college roommate and husband are staying down in Gangnam for business, I do something nice instead. I offer to stay home with Sangmoon so my parents can enjoy a meal out and catch up with old friends.