Time For A Change

Chapter One - Changing Her Ways

Have you ever felt so low you don’t want to get out of bed?

So low that the sun feels like it’s burning your skin as you feel the heat touching you?

Have you ever had death running through your mind every second of every day?

I have, I still do.

Everyday it’s like I wake up in a place I don’t fit in or belong, every day is another battle to survive.

Things used to be so easy; they used to be a breeze. I had it all, the best family, the perfect boyfriend, a gorgeous pet dog. Things change so fast, in a second your whole world can come crashing down like an aero-plane spiraling out of control and all you can do is hope that when the damage is done you’re okay.

But it never ends up like that does it?

You can never have a happy ever after; you can never have your own fairytale.

Life’s a bitch and I realized that 2 years ago today.

***

Removing the horrid dream from my head, trying to forget about the memory that had left me with nightmares every night, I groaned as my alarm tone pierced my ears and ended the silence in my bedroom. Rolling over not daring to take the pillow of my head and be exposed to the sunlight, I reached my hand out of my zebra printed duvet and crashed my hand on the alarm to end the noise which was ringing in my ears. I smiled a small weak smile, it felt like the first time I have even attempted to smile in a while, as the silence returned back into my bedroom.

Stretching and slowly sitting up pulling the cover off my small curvaceous body, I shivered and groaned once more as I wasn’t wrapped in my warm cozy duvet anymore. I hated mornings - okay, that was a bit of an understatement; I hated life and today was the day I hated more than any other.

I used to be the happiest, cheeriest, most bubbly and energetic girl known to have walked this earth but now all that ran through my veins was suffering, pain and hatred. I hated everyone and everything except for two exceptions, one I had no choice to like after all he’s my brother but the other, he was the reason I fought, the reason why I acted like everything was okay.

Me and Jacob have been best friends since I moved to Birmingham eleven years ago, the day I met him he asked me to be his best friend and we have been inseparable since. I smiled, a big, real, pure smile thinking of the moment we met, he’s the only person who can make me smile without having to force one, the only person who makes me truly happy, the only person I can open up to and be myself around even though we live two completely different lives.

“Higher! I want to go higheeer!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. I giggled as I felt the wind rush through my hair as my brother struggled to push me on the ‘big-girl’ swings.

“I can’t push you any higher! I can’t reach” Michael winced as he jumped up trying to reach the back of the swing.

I moaned a loud, sad moan “pleasssssse try?” I looked down at him as I swung forwards and backwards, giving my best attempt of puppy dog eyes that always worked on my daddy, giggling as I did so.

“Lils I can’t!” Michael looked sad and disappointed as he always tried to make me happy, being his little sister. “Your too high!” he winced once more before getting distracted by his ball and completely forgetting about me and running towards the goal at the end of the park, leaving me trying to get high enough to reach heaven on the swing by myself.

I felt myself slowing down and tears pricked my eyes, I just wanted to get to heaven so I could see my mummy.

As the swing came to a halt a single tear slid down my cheek and I pulled a face while sticking out my tongue as the salty tear had crept into my mouth.