Death Becomes Us

15) Birth

Birth

3 Years Ago

        My mother laid in her hospital bed after hearing the news. She didn’t cry, she didn’t swear or scream or blame god. She didn’t even ask god why her. That was a good question. God you son of a bitch, why her? Her caner had come back and now she was in stage 4. I watched her. My mother the woman whom I loved with all I am, who I live and breathe for, who I would die and kill for. She faced death and she was still.

            I on the other hand was shaken. I was angry but most importantly I was lost. They stamped a time code on her as if she was milk or meat or something of the sort. I wasn’t scared for my mother. I was pissed at the doctors at the world. I sat by her bed my leg shaken my hands clenched in tight fist.

            “Be still child.” A weak voice came from the bed and my eyes slid over so that I could look over at my mother. She took a moment to sit herself up and I stood quickly and adjust the pillows for her so that she could be comfortable. She gave me a weak smile and reached out and touched my face. Those pretty blue eyes looking in to my red ones. I reached up holding her hand to me.

            I could smell her disease leaking through the pores of her skin. Smell death on her as if it hung to her like a cheap perfume. My mother was going to die. That was clear enough to me. What wasn’t clear yet was who would answer for this death. I don’t care if cancer is what killed her, someone needed to pay for my lost. “What’s in your head Sky?” She asked me and I looked at her again then dropped my eyes.

            “Mother.” I said in a tight voice. If I could never speak of my darkness with anyone I could with her. She didn’t hold it against me. She didn’t judge me when I told her about the thoughts that were in my head. I’m not sure if she understand them, if she share them, but she knew them and she still loved me. “If you had the choice to kill someone to live would you?” I asked my mother and she turned away from me.

            “No.” She answered and I frowned at her answer. How could she not even think about it? How could she not even want to fight for her life? How could she be okay with death? “Sky what do you think happens when we die?” She asked me. I titled my head to the side trying to understand her question. What did I think happened when we died? I cast my eyes to the ground thinking after my answer. I had to have thoughts on the afterlife, if there was an afterlife.

            “We are nothing when we die.” I answered and she sighed.

            “My boy, my little angel.” She said and grabbed my hand and kissed the back of it. “Did I teach you nothing of heaven or hell?” I frowned. My mother was never the religious type of person. She never spoke after heaven or hell to me God was something or someone that just wasn’t brought up around our table. “When I go I will be in a better place.” She said and I looked at her. Such unshaken faith in this heaven in this God. Where did it come from?

            The door to the room opened and I looked up to see my father walk in. He walked over to my mother with rushed steps and fall into the chair by her bed taking her hand in his and holding it to his face, kissing the palm of her hand as he did so. She gave him a weak smile but I just frowned. I was disgusted by the sight of him.