THE FUNERAL PLANNER

Chapter Three: Market Strategy - Lights Out Meets the Funeral Industry

Chapter 3

Uncle Sam and I trudge in snowshoes across a frozen lake carrying the necessary load of accoutrements for late-night ice fishing. We use his jigging rods and augers with skimmers to skim ice from the holes and set up an ice tent to break the wind. We place buckets upside down over burning Coleman lanterns to keep warm. Uncle Sam attaches chartreuse moon-glow fishing lures to the hooks, slips them in the hole, locks down the jigging rods, and breaks out a flask of whiskey. We each swig a shot. The liquid is rich and smooth, coating my throat with a blast of heat.

"All right, let's get to it. How many words?" asks Uncle Sam.

"Three," I proudly reply.

"Okay, hit me."

"Customized funeral experiences," I announce.

Uncle Sam doesn't say a word. He swishes the whiskey, mulling it over. He nods. "Brilliant, Maddy. Brilliant."

"Really? You think so?"

"I think this one's a winner. If you want, I'll take you around to see Richard Wright. He owns the local funeral home in Jackson. He can give you some pointers. And you might want him on your advisory board."

"That would be great, thanks. Will you be on my advi­sory board, too?"

"Sure, why not? What are you calling it?"

"I don't know. The idea came to me today after attend­ing a... well, a rather 'dead' funeral."

"Let's mull it over and see what we come up with." He passes the flask.

I kick the liquid back and blurt, "How about White Lights? Or Remember Me?"

"Not catchy enough." Uncle Sam takes a swig and offers, "What about Happy Times?"

"Too happy."

"Forever Events?"

"Maybe. Reflections Of?"

"Singsongy. What's a metaphor for 'time's up'?"

We look at each other and simultaneously shout, "Lights Out!"

"That's the one," says Uncle Sam. "It's catchy and humor­ous and if people can't laugh about it, they're not going to be good clients." He chuckles, adding, "You sure do like to play the results, Maddy, in more ways than one. What's the first thing you're going to do when you get back home?"

"Research. There are so many opportunities here, Uncle Sam... online memorials to name just one. Relatives who can't make it to a funeral can see it online or see a video about the client's life... or how about this—interface with the Internet so people can send e-mails with secret messages, important financial information, or just stuff they wanted to say and couldn't to whomever upon, you know, expiration..."

"Start with the facts, Maddy. How many funeral homes are there in the U.S.? And how many services do they perform on average every year?" He pauses while I take it in, nod­ding and thinking. "You'll have to study the competition, too," he adds.

"Competition? What if there isn't any?"

"Believe me, if you thought of it so will someone else, if they haven't already. Besides, you want that—keeps you on your toes, makes you stronger. Without an enemy you lose the challenge to grow. Healthy competition is good. Re­member Sun Tzu?"

"Okay, okay...so approach this with Sun Tzu's advice in hand. 'If you know yourself, but not your enemy, for every battle won, you will lose another.'"