Short Sad Story :(

Bottled Up Thoughts

I have many feelings bottled up, many in which hunt me at night as I lay awake trying to remember the happy memories. How messed up was I, to not be able to remember the good memories, to only remember the painful ones? How is it possible that people can talk about the happy memories, while all I can think back to was the moments that were painful to me. If people were to ask me, "tell me about your happy moments." I would only be able to recall one or two, but when asked, "tell me about your bad memories." I can remember every single time I cried for someone, my parents, I can remember all those horrid nightmares I've had, I can remember all the painful comments made to me, the ones in which I have imprinted in my brain.
For many months if not years, I lived through a nightmare, one in which I lived in fear, one in which I would rather be anywhere else but there. I would be scared of being left alone, not because I feared of being kidnapped or robbed. I would be scared of the nights, not because of the dark but of what would come to my room while I slept and I'm not talking about monsters. I would be scared to be touched, because I just DIDNT want to be touched, because I didn't like it, because I had been already traumatized. It's all in the past now.....but I can't get it out of my mind, it's as if I keep replaying those times, it's as if I'm still traumatized and maybe I am. Sometimes I wonder if those horrible moments, actually happened or if it was just a horrible nightmare I had. I question my senses when I can act normal around them, but they can't see my trauma, they can't see how I would rather stay away, untouched, they can't see how paranoid I get when being touched, they can't see how I cringe when I think I will be touched, they can't see how my body would freeze or take a defense pose when I think I'm being under attack. They can't see it, and sometimes I wonder, "how can I still be living under the same roof as them, when I can't be normal around them inside?"
It's not normal to want them to be mad at me than playful. But I like it better like that because then I can be sure I won't be touched or manhandled. I don't know what it is, but I hate it when I get the silent treatment, I can't stand them being mad at me for a long period of time, but I can't let them be close to me either because I always go back to those awful moments in the past. I hate it when I'm told that I've never been disrespected, it makes me question those days in the past when I know for sure I had been disrespected and I want to scream it to their faces! "How can you have the dignity to say I have never been disrespected when I can remember those nights as if it had been yesterday. How can you say that when I have dreams in which we are play fighting but I wake up with tears and paranoid because to me it's worse, because to me you have traumatized me to not wanting to be touched ever again. How can you want me to forget all those times, when it's changed me so much?" It's a moment, a memory that hits me really close to my heart, one that I keep replaying as if it was yesterday. I feel dirty, I feel unsafe with my own self, I feel broken, and it has all been kept to myself. Sometimes I want to tell someone, but I'm scared... I'm scared they will see me with disgust, I'm scared they will look at me differently. I'm scared it could have been a fragment of my imagination, I'm scared that once I talk about...I will finally realize how real it was. It's been years since it's happened, yet here I am reminiscing with tears in my eyes because it's still a fear inside me. No one knows, a close one that went through something similar, but theirs wasn't every night for a certain amount of months... It was one day, with a strange person who I thank the Angels wasn't able to harm them deeper...and they spoke up, they are traumatized too, living in fear of ever seeing them, having nightmares and sometimes telling us about their thoughts about it, they cry sometimes. Sometimes I want to console them and share with them my experience but I always reconsider it and give up on the idea. "It won't do good," it's what I think to myself. They're getting help, seeing counsellors to help them through their trauma. And I'm just here, hoping over time I get better and they get better. I'm hoping this fear and pain in my chest will disappear over time, leaving a horrible scar behind, but leaving me to be in peace with my own soul and heart. I hope one day I stop thinking about it, that one day I forget how part of my innocence was taken from me at such a young age by the least expected person, but my main and biggest hope is that they don't dare do the same to the ones around me, cause it will be then that my silence will not be held. I've kept many feelings bottled up and I still do. I'm lost from time to time not knowing which path to take and it pains me to not be strong enough to fight it and face it. I feel as if it's too late. And although they hurt me in many ways, I can't hurt them back, because even when they hurt me and sometimes I can't stand them...they're a part of my life that I would protect as long as they're not in pain nor put others through it. Hating the fact that I'm too much of a coward to speak of my horrid nightmare, all I can hope now is that it never repeats itself and that soon I can learn to deal with the pain I hide behind my happy façade.