Dear readers,

Entry Number Eighty-Nine (9/24/2011)

Dear Readers,

I have finally decided to write about something more personal than what I usually write.

I have a hard time letting myself get romantically close to people. I'm afraid.

The reason is Mitchel.

I liked Mitchel in the sixth grade. I don't know if it was love, 'cause, I mean, who knows what love is in the sixth grade? 

He was one of my closest friends and he liked my cousin.

 I asked him out, and he said yes. Probably the only reason he said yes is because my friend Lindsay asked for me and he knew she'd bug him until he said yes. I didn't know.

He broke up with me a month after we started going out. We didn't talk as much or as naturally when we were going out. 

It's not like I was super surprised or hurt or anything. I saw it coming and was in a hurry to get things back to normal. So we could be friends again. And we DID become friends again. We got back to normal.

I would have been fine with it staying like that forever. I just didn't want to lose him.

But I did. I lost him. I'm probably being over-dramatic here, since everyone else who cared for him lost him too.

Mitchel died about a month after he broke up with me. His mother commited suicide by driving off a warf while Mitchel and his little sister were in the car. 

I guess since it was six years ago, I should probably be over it by now, but I'm not. 

And I feel bad, because I know that when I tell someone this, It's mostly because I'm testing them. I'm not sure what I'm testing them about, but I AM testing them. Maybe there a certain reaction that I'm looking for that I just haven't found yet? I'm not sure what I'm looking for, but I know that I feel like I'm making little of his death by doing this. I want to stop. I do, I just, I can't. 

The thing is, I think I might have found the reaction I've been looking for yesterday. For once, I wasn't thinking at all. We were just talking about failed relationships, and I didn't intend to talk about Mitchel, but somehow this is what I ended up talking about. Usually, if I'm thinking about it before hand, I won't be very emotional about it. But this time... it was weird. It just popped into the conversation. Even though I'm the one who introduced the subject, It kind of took me by surprise. At times like this, when I'm talking about it for REAL, I can't stop myself from crying. Usually I don't talk about it for real to people in person if I can help it. I don't like to cry in front of people. 

And she made me feel better. The only people who have ever been able to make me feel better when I'm crying is Mitchel and MYSELF. Other people always end up making me feel worse, cry harder. 

I'm still surprised. I mean, I'm bi and all, but I wasn't always, and really I'd always imagined it would be a guy that made me feel better. Mostly because I've never really been serious about a girl. 

And this is a girl I only met at the start of the month. One that's in the 9th grade.

Do I like her? Or is this just another short attraction? I keep asking myself this, and really, I have no clue. If I really do like her, I think I'm going to start getting serious.

And even if it does work out, it'll still be difficult. I'm moving out of the Province as soon as I graduate this year, and she won't be graduating until 2015.

Any advice?