Recovery (GOT7 fanfic)

It Was My Fault, But I Wish It Wasn't

It was late when I walked home from school. Both of us had missed our bus, so Jinyoung accompanied me until we reached his house. He offered me his place to crash, but I had to politely decline. I had a dysfunctional 'family' to tend to. I wondered whether they had managed to cook dinner without my help. Jinyoung and I had ended up spending almost three hours in that music room, past school finishing times. I hoped Yugyeom and Bambam weren't worried about me when I missed our bus. Huh, yeah right...

I fumbled around in my pocket and grabbed the keys. I went to unlock the front door of our apartment, but it didn't need to be opened. It was already unlocked. 

My heart began beating faster, as I pushed the door ajar gently. I didn't know what to expect, and that made me even more nervous. The unknown always did. I leaned to my right  to see the living room completely trashed. I gasped and flung the door fully open, so it clanged against the adjacent wall. 

It was my brother. He was sat in the middle of the sofa, legs crossed, hands tangled in his hair, his face lowered down. I instantly recognised the position. The position you go into when something terrible happens, when all you wanted to do is shrivel up into thin air. I was speechless. I'm always the one like that, never Bambam. We've swapped roles, except I wasn't sure if I was good enough to fulfil the comfort he always offered me. I'm not capable of that anymore. 

I gulped, and gingerly stepped forward, swinging the door shut behind me. "..Bambamie?" I whispered.

"Yugyeom's looking for you," He mumbled.

His hands moved from his hair to his face, covering his eyes. He shook as he wept. I walked towards him, past the spilt liquids, broken bottles, and the damp and ripped papers. I went to touch his arm, maybe I would've been brave enough to hold his hand, but I didn't get as far. He brushed me off roughly, like I was a speck of dirt on his shirt. I shifted away immediately, and hugged my knees to my chest. "You're scaring me," I murmured. "What happened?"

He finally looked up at me, his eyes red and bloodshot. It truly saddened me to see the familiar sight of me in the mirror, replicated in my brother. "Yugyeom told me," He croaked. "He said that..." Bambam took a deep, shaky breath. I froze. Yugyeom had promised not to tell anyone. "That, y-you tried to.. k-kill yourself," He stammered, unable to believe the words himself.

My eyes widened in realisation of Bambam knowing, and Yugyeom's broken promise. I looked away from my brother. I was panicking. I felt physically sick. 

"Is it true?" He blubbered. How naive. 

I nodded lightly, still avoiding his gaze. 

Bambam gasped for air as if he were drowning, and spluttered out coughs and sobs. "It's my f-fault," He continued to cry. 

I  frowned and turned to face him. "What?" I breathed quietly.

"I remember. It was when.. I got kicked out, and you.. you followed me, and I told you not to bother, that you were wasting your time, and, and... I told you to, to k-kill.. yourself," He whispered the last three words before breaking into another fit of hysterics. 

I blinked back the tears as best I could. He remembered. 

My whole body trembled, and I wrapped my arms around him protectively. "It wasn't your fault, it wasn't. I swear," I partially lied. 

We cried together for a while. I'm not sure how long. My tears left first, then his subsided soon after. He sniffled instead. He reached for my hair, and he almost burst into tears again when he realised I had cut it short. I shushed him, and rocked him back and forth in my arms.

It's the first time I've wished that I had never touched that knife.